The Gifts of Imperfection

I recently read 'The Gifts of Imperfection' by Brené Brown. This is the same woman whose TED talk I shared in a previous post. The book is brilliant.

Here's my brief summary. Her three gifts of imperfection are: courage, compassion, and connection. I think I see how each of these flows from our imperfection, but I'd love to hear your thoughts on that - especially if you've read the book. Anyway, she gives some very rigorous definitions of terms in the book, including for these three terms, but here's my quick take:

1. Courage: to share your heart, embrace vulnerability, and fully feel both positive and negative emotions.
2. Compassion: to embrace others in their imperfections, recognizing that we've all been there, we're all doing the best we can, and we're all in this together.
3. Connection to others: fuels the most joyful experiences of life. I believe it is relationships that offer us the most important among the possible purposes of life. In my research on happiness, the one factor that comes up in every single study I've seen or heard of is relationships.

She talks a lot about shame and I think a lot of what she says is really illuminating. She spent years researching shame and one of the things I learned from her was that "Shame hates it when we reach out and tell our story. ... Shame loves secrecy."

In the book, she shares an experience where she connected with her sister to share a vulnerable moment of shame. I love her description of the sister's response:

She didn't try to fix me or make me feel better; she just listened and had the courage to share some of her own vulnerabilities with me.

I felt totally exposed and completely loved and accepted at the same time (which is the definition of compassion for me). Trust me when I tell you that shame and fear can't tolerate that kind of powerful connection surging between people.

Very cool. Having the courage to share her vulnerability is what it took to unlock the power of friendship to relieve the shame and fear.

Here's a nice little excerpt on compassion.

The word compassion is derived from the Latin words pati and cum, meaning "to suffer with." I don't believe that compassion is our default response. I think our first response to pain - ours or someone else's - is to self-protect. We protect ourselves by looking for someone or something to blame. Or sometimes we shield ourselves by turning to judgment or by immediately going into fix-it mode.

Wow, that sounds a lot like me. But we don't have to let our fear of pain rule us. Pain is something that, if entered into and embraced, loses its power over us. At least the kind of inward suffering that results from thought processes and emotions.

She then quotes from an American Buddhist nun named Pema Chödrön.

Compassion is not a relationship between the healer and the wounded. It's a relationship between equals. Only when we know our own darkness well can we be present with the darkness of others. Compassion becomes real when we recognize our shared humanity.

She defines connection as follows:

... the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgment; and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship.

She later says,

Until we can receive with an open heart, we are never really giving with an open heart. When we attach judgment to receiving help, we knowingly or unknowingly attach judgment to giving help.

And,

If connection is the energy that surges between people, we have to remember that those surges must travel in both directions.

This summary is from just the first two chapters of the book. The rest of the book is equally powerful, at least for me. As a recovering perfectionist, I felt like the book spoke to me on so many levels. In fact, I'd love to meet the author. It sounds like she and I have very similar personalities and dispositions ... and a very similar set of weaknesses. Maybe that's why the book seems so perfect for me.

But I don't think the book is just for perfectionists. It's a beautiful set of principles that we can all profit from regardless of where we're coming from. It's an attempt to offer a guide to what she calls 'wholehearted living' and I love the picture she paints of that lifestyle. It's what I want. And I think it's a model for living that will make the world a better place as more of us embrace it.

If you get a chance to read the book, please let me know what you think.

Transfer at Work

A couple weeks ago, I transferred to a different division at work. My old group was full of really good people, but the larger organization was a bit unhealthy. It had really worn on me and I had become so burned out that I felt I needed to do something radically different. I am SO HAPPY to be in a new group with a bunch of people I know and respect. I've worked with many of them off and on over the years and I'm really excited to be part of their team.

Since the transfer took place, I've been taking some time off to regroup, refocus, and reconnect with my family. It's been really good so far. I've done a lot of cooking, exercising, thinking, meditating, sleeping, and talking and playing with my wife and kids.

As I've been thinking, I've discovered that I like many of the things I do at my job, but I think what really gets me going is the idea of being an architect. I enjoy gathering requirements, technology gaps, etc and coupling them with capabilities. I like architecting solutions to customers' problems. I probably need to find a way to do more of that.

I'm grateful to have a job that gives me the flexibility to take so much time off. It has been really helpful to have a break to decompress and spend time with my family. I think family is the most important thing in my life anyway.

Inner Beauty

I just watched this video of an award acceptance speech at a Black Women in Hollywood Luncheon.

Beautiful, honest, and courageous. This woman impressed me. I think I'll show this video to my daughters. I think every young girl should hear what she has to say.

She tells the story of her own childhood and feelings of inadequacy. I love the following line:

"I had begun to enjoy the seduction of inadequacy."

Some other great ones:

"Beauty was not a thing I could acquire or consume. It was something that I just had to be. And what my mother meant when she said, 'you can't eat beauty', was that you can't rely on how you look to sustain you. What actually sustains us, what is fundamentally beautiful, is compassion, for yourself and for those around you. That kind of beauty inflames the heart and enchants the soul."

And:

"That you will feel the validation of your external beauty, but also get to the deeper business of being beautiful inside. That ... there is no shade in that beauty."

Happier

I found a new app and I really like it so far. It was shared with me at a seminar I attended yesterday as part of a youth conference for my church. I'm a youth leader, so I attended to help out, and although the seminar was supposed to be for teenagers, it was actually for me. :)

The seminar was about stress and it was REALLY helpful for me. The lady is a therapist with LDS Family Services and she shared a lot of good insights, coping mechanisms, etc. She defined stress as the perception that the demands placed upon us exceed our resources for dealing with them. The word 'perception' is key there. And she discussed the opportunity that stress offers us to grow and expand our capabilities to become more valuable to ourselves and others.

So stress isn't necessarily a bad thing. It can be an enabler. She also discussed 'blessings', defining blessings as things that contribute to true happiness, well-being, or prosperity. Stress, seen as an opportunity for growth, can lead to greater blessings. And during stressful times, we can find blessings while we're struggling. Blessings and challenges usually live together, so it can be fun to seek out the blessings in the midst of challenges.

To that end, the speaker shared an app called 'happier'. It's a social media forum like Facebook where the goal is to share things that make you happy. Of all the things I took away from the seminar (and there were a lot of great things I want to internalize), the idea of seeking out blessings and focusing on the positive things resonated with me the most. So last night, I got the app and started sharing things that make me happy.

Here are the things I've posted about so far:

1. After the seminar, a woman came up to me and asked if I was Brett Walkenhorst. Uh ... I think so. She told me her name and I was so excited! We attended the same church when we were teenagers and it was so cool to catch up with her! It had probably been 20 years since I had seen her. That was really cool.
2. This morning, I woke up really early and enjoyed the quiet of the house and a beautiful scene outside. The clouds were so beautiful.
3. Later, my youngest daughter woke up and cuddled with me on the couch. I love that!

I think I need to keep up this habit of gratitude. It's very therapeutic. I've been working on my physical health lately and as it has improved, I've found new sources of energy and more glimpses of happiness. After practicing identifying happy moments for about half a day, I already feel a bit of a surge in the happiness factor. That's pretty cool!

If you're interested, check out the happier app. Or check out the associated website. I really like it so far! And let me know if you use it; I'd be happy to connect with you on it.

If you want to know more about the site/app, the founder of the company has a pretty cool story. She gave a TED talk about finding happiness that I thought was really insightful. Check it out!

And if you need a quick little uplift and a sample of what this company is all about, check this out: smile.happier.com.

Leadership Books

A few months ago, I was asked to take on a position at work that involved managing a group of about 35-40 people. I blame this new job for my lack of blogging. It has been extremely taxing on me personally and professionally.

When I first took the job, I began to devour books on leadership and management, trying to find good models I could emulate. Some of my favorites were:

Influencer by Joseph Grenny, et al
Lincoln on Leadership by Donal Phillips
Crucial Conversations by Kerry Patterson, et al
The Five Dysfunctions of a Team by Patrick Lencioni
Slack by Tom DeMarco
The Goal by Eli Goldratt
It's Not Luck by Eli Goldratt
Critical Chain by Eli Goldratt
The 21 Irrefutable Laws of Leadership by John Maxwell
Peopleware by Tom DeMarco and Timothy Lister
The Art of War by Sun Tzu
Made to Stick by Chip and Dan Heath

The Art of War isn't really a book about leadership; it's about military strategy, but a lot of businesspeople have applied it to the business world in recent decades. I'd rather not do that. But still, it was an enlightening book.

Of all the things I learned from those books, I think the most important one is the critical importance of trust. Before taking this new job and the reading binge above, I had read Steven M.R. Covey's The Speed of Trust, which I highly recommend. In my business, we try to develop long-term relationships with customers. When trust is established, it's easy to keep business going. Without it, we just look like another expensive vendor. Cold calls and responses to open solicitations rarely lead to contracts, but when a customer trusts us, money shows up sometimes without our even asking.

I think there are three elements of trust. In order for someone to really trust us, they have to trust:

1. Our word,
2. Our intent, and
3. Our skills.

In order to achieve #1, we have to demonstrate integrity continually. A single deception can wipe out trust very quickly. In order to achieve #3, we should demonstrate excellence in all we do. We don't have to be perfect; we just have to do the best we know how to do in every situation. It's so easy to slack off, but that destroys peoples' trust that we are competent to do the job.

For #2, intent, I think we need to dig deep and discover what's really important to us. If people think we're only out for ourselves, they won't trust that we'll have their best interests at heart. Whether they are customers, employees, vendors, or whoever, we have to demonstrate that our philosophy puts people first. We should also be looking out for ourselves, but if we can put our customers' interests on a level with our own, I think that comes across in our words and actions without our even trying. You can hide your true intent for a little while, but eventually it comes out, so working to build others' trust in our intent takes a bit of soul searching on our part.

Recently, because of the stress of my new job, I did a little searching and found a couple books about work habits and finding satisfaction in our careers. Those books are:

So Good They Can't Ignore You by Cal Newport
The One Thing by Gary Keller and Jay Papasan

I liked them both a LOT! Here's a summary of each:

So Good They Can't Ignore You

The first book I mentioned starts off by debunking the myth that you can find happiness if you just center your career around your passion. Personally, I think that's a good place to start, but you also have to consider what people will pay you for. If you're not able to earn a living, it's possible that you aren't adding a lot of value to others. Regardless, it's hard to build a career without income. He discusses many examples from people he interviewed and studies that others have done to illustrate the dangers of what he calls 'The Passion Hypothesis'.

The author then considers what makes for a satisfying career if passion is not the answer. Some things he comes up with include 'creativity', 'impact', and 'control'. The last of those comes to those who become so good at what they do that they can buy their way into the kind of situation they want - where they're too good to be let go. He also discusses the importance of associating your career with a mission that you find meaningful.

One of the cool things I got from the book, among many, is one man's method of managing his time commitments. On page 89 of the book, we see Mike Jackson's work-hour allocation including 7.5 hours for email, 4 hours for lunch breaks, 1.5 hours for planning/organizing, etc. He identifies those things he can't do much about and then lists the things he does that can vary dramatically in terms of the time he allocates to them. Each week, he tracks his time so he can use that feedback to modify his plans and work toward goals regarding where he focuses his time and energy.

One of the sections of the book is entitled 'Turn Down a Promotion'. It focuses on the importance of control in your career, but it reminded me of The Peter Principle. It also made me think about my own professional situation. I've enjoyed many of the aspects of my new job as a manager. I feel I've made a positive impact on our group and I think I've helped build our business. I enjoy leadership, creating a shared vision, strategic thinking and planning, and interacting with customers and employees. I don't enjoy the managerial minutiae, suboptimal processes or absence of useful processes and tools, and I hate politics. It may be that I'm misplaced right now, but I think I still have value to offer and maybe I'll take the author's advice and turn down the promotion I accepted previously.

The One Thing

This is one of the best books I've ever read. The author's premise is that there is one thing you can do right now that will make all of your other tasks either easier or less important. Finding that ONE THING takes some work, but when you do, focus your energies on that and exclude all distractions. He recommends allocating half of your day (at least four hours in a working day) to your ONE thing.

He discusses some myths including the effectiveness of multitasking. I loved that part. Spreading your focus across a dozen different things usually means you're doing a dozen things really badly. Other myths include the idea that 'everything is equally important', 'willpower is always available when you need it', and 'a balanced life is the goal'. The last one seems confusing on the surface, but his point is that you often have to swing far out of balance in work and personal life with the idea that you'll swing back. Trying to perpetually balance involves seeking something that is impossible to maintain. So, sprint when you need to, but take breaks when you need to too.

By asking the question 'What's the ONE THING I can do such that by doing it everything else will be easier or unnecessary?', we can work to find the most important thing among our many tasks or focus areas. He discusses in some detail how we can use this question and variants of it to identify long term strategies and short term goals.

He also discusses the importance of purpose. It sounded a lot like the previous book's focus on mission. While most of us seem to seek happiness as the highest good in life, many of us have a hard time finding it. He shares an ancient tale of a beggar who shows a king a bowl that sucks up everything you put in it. The bowl, he says, represents human desire. Our desires are often insatiable leading to perpetual unhappiness ... unless we change our focus. He comments that happiness happens on the way to fulfillment. And he claims that financially wealthy people are those who have enough money coming in without having to work to finance their purpose in life. And so, according to Keller, in order to be financially wealthy (secure, satisfied, fulfilled), you must have a purpose. Otherwise, whatever you acquire just goes in that beggar's bowl and leaves you unsatisfied.

There are lots of other good ideas in the book, but one last, practical one I'll share has to do with planning. The first priority is to plan your time off, your vacations for the year. Second, you block off time to work on your ONE THING. Third, you block off time to do regular planning and goal setting. He also discusses planning daily rejuvenation activities including:

1. Meditate and pray for spiritual energy.
2. Eat right, exercise, and sleep sufficiently for physical energy.
3. Hug, kiss, and laugh with loved ones for emotional energy.
4. Set goals, plan, and calendar for mental energy.
5. Time block your ONE Thing for business energy.

Coming from a guy who helped build the Keller-Williams realty empire, and knowing that he used the concept of 'The One Thing' in building his business, makes me want to pay attention to the author's ideas. He speaks practically and cogently and although I checked this book out of the library, I think this is one I need to own. I need to review it again ... and again. It's that powerful for me.