A minus

Emily and I had a long talk last night. I learned to be a perfectionist at a very young age. I demand a lot of myself and of others. And I demand more than I should from my children. As we discussed my problem, we talked about school. All of my kids feel a lot of stress about school and Emily pointed out that we need to adopt a model somewhere between the two extremes of demanding the best and demanding nothing.

As we talked, I realized that for most of the time I was in school, I didn't worry too much about my grades. I did my best, I worked hard, but I was cool with less than perfect grades. In fact, it was almost a point of pride for me that my GPA averaged around 3.7. I knew some people who consistently got a 4.0, but I decided I didn't want the stress associated with that. I wanted to focus on other things in my life besides academics and I considered my 3.7 a badge of honor that meant I was more well rounded than I might otherwise have been if I worked hard enough to get a 4.0.

Somehow, as the weight of responsibility to provide for my family settled on my shoulders, my attitude changed. As we bought houses, as our expenses grew, as I watched my budget continue to mushroom, I felt the pressure to keep growing professionally to keep that budget in the black. With that pressure, which I felt starting with the purchase of our first home and the crushing weight of a massive amount of debt, I began to feel that there was no room for error. I couldn't afford to make mistakes because I had a huge responsibility resting on my shoulders and I couldn't let my family down. The perfectionism that I had learned as a child began to manifest itself and I'm afraid it has been a rare thing when it takes a break.

And so I demand perfection of myself in my professional life, my personal life, my spiritual life, etc. And I demand perfection from others at work and at home. And it has made me extremely unhealthy, both physically and mentally, and it has made my children miserable.

I realized last night that I had employed a model for combating this tendency in my schooling and had been successful in doing so for many years. My attitude was that A minuses are ok. In fact, B pluses are acceptable. And I can even tolerate the occasional C plus. I never had patience with less than that and even the C pluses I received a couple of times made me a bit uncomfortable. But I forgave myself and moved on, telling myself that although I could have done better, I hated the subject matter and focused my energy on those things I was passionate about. This rationalization was true, by the way, except for one math class I took a few years ago that I should not have taken. Oh well. I moved on anyway.

This model I used for school should be applied throughout my life. I don't want to stop striving for excellence. It's important to me that I work hard and contribute value at work and at home. But I need to give myself and others permission to be less than perfect. An A minus is ok. In fact, it might be good to make that my goal. Let someone else work for the A.