I have been a Mormon all my life. Being a member of the LDS church has been great for me. It has given me a set of morals and values and a community of good people to identify with, to associate with, and to look to for examples of how to live a good life.
In the last two or three years, I have begun to distance myself from the church and, though my transition has been very obvious to people close to our family and many people have been concerned about what they perceive to be my falling away from the truth, I have had very few conversations with others about what this journey has meant to me. I think this is due, in some part, to people trying to give me space, which I appreciate. But I also think there is some fear associated with a transition that seems incomprehensible to the faithful. For my part, I find it difficult to initiate a conversation that might seem like an attack on someone else's faith. Partly to help overcome those barriers to communication, this post is my initial attempt to document my recent journey to share with those who haven't asked, to inform those who didn't know there was anything to ask, and to solidify my own thinking about what this journey has meant to me.
About eight or ten years ago, I went through a period of deep questioning that shook the foundation of my faith. Ultimately, I largely came back to the Mormon faith, but with a more open mind and what I considered to be a more pure faith, less cluttered with prejudices and traditions, and more founded on raw spiritual power.
Two or three years ago, I found myself questioning even more deeply than before, something I hadn't thought possible. This most recent spiritual crisis stemmed, at least in part, from a very challenging time at work, a very stressful situation in my church calling, and some challenging things going on in my family, particularly in the lives of three of my children. It was a very dark time, something I have come to believe is a necessary part of life, as these dark times often serve as catalysts for new awakening, enlightenment, greater understanding, empathy, etc.
Introduction to Meditation
I was eventually able to secure a change in my work environment within the same company and, to help me reset from the stress of what I had been experiencing, I took a month off work. As I was on my way out, I was introduced to a book that sparked a deeper interest in Buddhism. I am not a Buddhist and don't imagine I ever will be, but I have had an interest in that religion for some time and, during my month off, I dove into a set of books on Buddhist and other forms of meditation. I spent hours practicing what I was learning and, in meditation, I found peace and solace like I had never before experienced. Though I have always been a Christian, I suppose I had never really experienced what Paul describes as "the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding" (Philippians 4:7) until I was instructed by principles of Buddhism and related disciplines.
I don't want to minimize the impact of my religious upbringing. At various times in my life, I have felt a deep sense of peace and spiritual enlightenment. Beginning with my teenage years, I had several spiritual experiences that I interpreted as evidence the Mormon church was true because church youth activities served as catalysts for them. One such experience was extremely powerful and the feeling of peace and balance that came stayed with me for months. But even as it faded, I was able, for a very long time, to call it back by simply quieting my mind. But eventually the stresses of life seemed to crowd out my ability to do that ... until recently.
The deep peace I began to find in meditation was only a part of the transformational power I experienced during that time. Through meditation, I began to develop a deeper understanding of myself and began to extend forgiveness and compassion to myself on a very deep level, a level so deep I had never been consciously aware of it before. I began to let go of past events that had colored my worldview and had developed inside of me some automatic, unhealthy responses to various stimuli, though prior to meditation I hadn't even been aware of such connections. I began to give myself therapy that seemed to me infinitely more effective than anything a licensed therapist could ever do for me.
I also slowly became more aware of connections outside myself. Over time, I felt like my mind became sharper and I could see more clearly why things happened in the physical world as well as connections and causal relationships in the social/psychological world. I began, in many different ways, to experience what I believe ancient eastern traditions term "enlightenment." I was becoming more awake.
All of this was wonderful, but, considering the darkness I had been experiencing previously, and the bursting forth of light in my new spiritual practice, my questioning of my own faith became more urgent. By clinging to the faith I had inherited, I seemed to only be delving deeper into darkness. The light only came by letting go. I have had a difficult time explaining that phenomenon intellectually, but here's my best attempt based on my current knowledge.
As a Mormon, I had been taught, among other things, to view the world through the paradigm of good vs. evil, that a battle was being waged for the souls of men, and that through diligent effort and relying on the grace of Christ, I could overcome evil, both within and without. This worldview involved kindness and mercy, but also sin, judgment, and guilt. The former ideas were great, but the fruits of the latter including judgment and condemnation, a constant war with evil, and a set of expectations based on duty to God, which led to an ever-present internal pressure to work and keep up (a feeling familiar to many Mormons), seemed to solidify the darkness in my life.
When I began to let go of my old worldview and, as Buddhism and other eastern traditions encouraged, to let go of ... well, everything, I found the peace and other blessings that Christianity promised, but that I was rarely able to fully realize as a practicing Christian. Peace. Understanding. Enlightenment. Joy. But most of all, peace was what I had been craving.
So what about all the spiritual experiences I had had as a Mormon? The more I thought about my past and the conditions in place when I felt spiritually uplifted, the more I realized they were all related to surrender, to letting go. Although I took them as evidence the Mormon church was true, I rarely had such experiences in the church's official services. It was much more common for me to have spiritual experiences on my own or in unconventional settings.
I usually felt good in church, but not necessarily spiritually enlightened. It was just as common for me to feel like I was falling short, an unfortunate side effect of a culture focused on very high ideals. As I've recently created many powerful spiritual experiences on my own, while distancing myself from the church and its doctrines, I have begun to believe the church is not an essential part of my spirituality. None of what I have experienced proves the church isn't what it claims to be (God's true church on earth), but perhaps you, dear reader, can begin to see why I have come to believe that it isn't.
Right around the time I took up meditation, I began to see changes in my outer life. Recall the three areas of stress I described before. Here's a little bit of what happened.
Change at Church
When I went back to work after my month off, I maintained my practice of meditation and continued to heal and grow spiritually. About this same time, I was released from my church calling. I had been hanging onto it for the sake of my oldest son and the young people I was working with, but when I was forced to let go, the stress of that situation dissipated quickly. Though I was offered another calling, I declined and my departure from the church became more certain.
Change at Home
The stresses of my family life involve the private lives of others, so I won't share a lot of detail, but as I became more at peace with myself, extending compassion and forgiveness to myself, I found the power to be equally compassionate, loving, and forgiving of my family members. I believe it is that love, more than anything else, that has helped my children work through their challenges. It has been a couple of years in the making, but it seems to me our children are more balanced and happy than they have ever been and our family dynamics are approaching the kind of model I dreamed I could have as a teenager, but eventually gave up on as an adult as it began to seem impossible to attain. As I type this, my children are having a heated argument over something ridiculous, which helps me remember not to take my dreams, or anything else, too seriously. But the truth is, my family is much happier now than we were just a couple of years ago.
Change at Work
At work, my new environment was great, but as it was the same employer, I found myself unable to completely remove myself from the influence of my old group and eventually, things became challenging in familiar ways. This led me, about a year ago, to accept a new job with a small company in town and it has been wonderful. The culture of my new company has been very refreshing and, while the job has had its moments of stress and frustration, those times have been few and I've found a lot of joy in focusing almost completely on technical work instead of managing projects and personnel, which is where my career had been trending at my previous job for many years. I have been reminded why I majored in engineering. And I've been reminded that I'm quite good at it as I've tackled new and challenging projects and have done very well with them. It has been good for my confidence.
Letting Go
So shortly after I began to let go of many things, including my religion, I began to find peace in the three major stress areas of my life. I believe the changes in my physical circumstances are, in many ways, due to my new spiritual direction, though the external changes have taken some time to develop. But even more wonderful than the external changes is the healing I have experienced inside. I think that healing is the strongest evidence that I'm doing what I need to do for my spiritual welfare at this time.
So what does all of this mean for me, my family, and my relationship with the church? Strangely enough, not much. In my daily conduct, I act very much like I always have, in private and in public, though perhaps with a bit more patience and kindness than before. But some things have changed. The most visible change is my lack of connection with the church. As the church's doctrines and services are based on the good/evil paradigm I described above, I feel like they are unhealthy for me right now. So while I respect the church and what it does, I don't attend its services regularly. I do sometimes attend to support my family and I enjoy seeing friends when I'm there, but I prefer to seek spiritual experiences in other ways.
In general, my family is still pretty involved in church activities. And mostly, I think that's good. The Mormon church is a wonderful organization that does a lot of good for its members and the rest of the world. My own membership in the church has done a great deal of good for me and I owe much of what I am today to its influence. The ward (congregation) we currently attend is one of the best I've ever seen and I'm hopeful the church will continue to be a good influence on my children.
This most recent phase of my spiritual journey has been interesting and not at all what I expected. But it has been good for me. Where will my spiritual path lead next? I don't know, but I'm not worried. I'm sure whatever comes will be great. That's a strange attitude for a personality like mine, but I have recently come to see the power of surrender and it has changed me. I am happier letting go of my need to understand and control.
In general, my family is still pretty involved in church activities. And mostly, I think that's good. The Mormon church is a wonderful organization that does a lot of good for its members and the rest of the world. My own membership in the church has done a great deal of good for me and I owe much of what I am today to its influence. The ward (congregation) we currently attend is one of the best I've ever seen and I'm hopeful the church will continue to be a good influence on my children.
This most recent phase of my spiritual journey has been interesting and not at all what I expected. But it has been good for me. Where will my spiritual path lead next? I don't know, but I'm not worried. I'm sure whatever comes will be great. That's a strange attitude for a personality like mine, but I have recently come to see the power of surrender and it has changed me. I am happier letting go of my need to understand and control.
Although I am happy with recent developments, I am sure my departure from the church will be disappointing, even heartbreaking, to some of my family and Mormon friends. To them, I would say, "have faith." I am happier and more peaceful than I have ever been in my life; I hope that will give some comfort. And if the truth of God does lie with the Mormon church, as the church claims, then I'm confident I will find it. I have, for many years, been a seeker of truth. And I still am. I will keep an open mind. I encourage you to do the same.
