Walkenhorst Family

Walkenhorst Family

Saturday, October 26, 2013

Gunshots in Vegas

I was in Las Vegas this week for a conference. Monday morning, I went to the lobby to find some breakfast and found a crime scene. I could see a person on the ground about 50 feet away surrounded by various officials. The whole casino area had been roped off and closed down including the restaurants. All I could think was 'Man, I hate Vegas'. Apparently some poor guy was shot to death trying to intervene when some other guy pulled a gun. The gunman shot two guards who ended up in the hospital and a third 'Good Samaritan' who tackled the guy and probably saved some lives, but ended up sacrificing his own in the process. I was really impressed by the man's courage when I learned the details, but also feel sad for him and his family. It was a little crazy to think that I was awake in my room when the shootings happened. I could just as well have been in the lobby area, though it's very unlikely I would have been very close to the incident. It happened right outside a night club. But the restaurant where I was hoping to eat wasn't very far away ... crazy, huh?


I don't understand Las Vegas. I just don't get the appeal. There's so much filth there, I can't understand how it continues to draw so many people and so much money. Maybe I'm just weird. But I hate it. I got away from the strip a couple of times and felt so much better. It's actually a very pretty city once you get away from the garbage.

It struck me as really odd that I was in Vegas in the same hotel as an incident that made national news. Reminds me of my experience with an earthquake in DC. That was weird too. How often does an earthquake strike DC? And I got to experience it. And then I was in town when Hurricane Sandy was coming ashore. I drove out of town just before the hurricane struck since the airports had all closed down just as I got there. So now I'm wondering - am I naturally attracted to newsworthy disasters or does my presence somehow cause them? :)

The conference was good. And thankfully it won't be in Vegas next year.

It's good to be home. I missed my family and I missed normal life.

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Vulnerability

Emily pointed me to an absolutely fantastic TED talk. If you have about 20 minutes, please take a look and let me know your thoughts. I am so struck by the profundity of what this woman has taught me, I don't really know what to say. Except that she pegged me pretty well. And she has given me a lot to think about.


Embrace vulnerability as the birthplace of joy, belonging, and love?

Believe that I'm inherently worthy of love and belonging?

Believe that what makes me vulnerable is what makes me beautiful?

Stop controlling or predicting my life?

What kind of crazy talk is this? And how can I internalize these ideas and become what she's talking about?

I'm just like her ... before her breakdown. I want to be like the wholehearted people she describes.

The Varieties of Religious Experience

I've been reading a book by William James called "The Varieties of Religious Experience". I've only read about 1/3 of it, but here's a bit of what I've learned so far. First, I've learned that James was absolutely brilliant. And that has made the book a joy to read.

Portrait of William James

James gave a series of lectures at the University of Edinburgh in 1901 and 1902 where he had been invited to lecture on Natural Religion. The book is a collection of his twenty lectures given during that appointment and attempts to explore humanity's religious appetites or man's religious constitution. After reading through his initial lectures in which he bounds the problem and sets up metrics for analyzing various human experiences, he begins to survey what he calls 'The Religion of Healthy-Mindedness'. It is a kind of mindset that sees the world as wholly good, ignores the evil, and strives by optimism, faith, etc. to achieve happiness. The two lectures he dedicates to this topic are well worth reading and remind me of my friend the Witch Doctor and his oriental-inspired healthy mindedness. I see a lot of value in this kind of mentality.

Once-Born

Quoting Francis W. Newman, James says, " 'God has two families of children on this earth, ... the once-born and the twice-born,' and the once-born he describes as follows: 'They see God, not as a strict Judge, not as a Glorious Potentate; but as the animating Spirit of a beautiful harmonious world, Beneficent and Kind, Merciful as well as Pure. The same characters generally have no metaphysical tendencies: they do not look back into themselves. Hence they are not distressed by their own imperfections: yet it would be absurd to call them self-righteous; for they hardly think of themselves at all. This childlike quality of their nature makes the opening of religion very happy to them: for they no more shrink from God, than a child from an emperor, before whom the parent trembles: in fact, they have no vivid conception of any of the qualities in which the severer Majesty of God consists. He is to them the impersonation of Kindness and Beauty. They read his character, not in the disordered world of man, but in romantic and harmonious nature. Of human sin they know perhaps little in their own hearts and not very much in the world; and human suffering does but melt them to tenderness. Thus, when they approach God, no inward disturbance ensues; and without being as yet spiritual, they have a certain complacency and perhaps romantic sense of excitement in their simple worship.'"

The twice-born is not defined until later. As the quintessential representative of the once-born mentality, James offers us Walt Whitman. An extract of his comments about the poet: "Walt Whitman owes his importance in literature to the systematic expulsion from his writings of all contractile elements. The only sentiments he allowed himself to express were of an expansive order; and he expressed these in the first person, not as your mere monstrously conceited individual might so express them, but vicariously for all men, so that a passionate and mystic ontological emotion suffuses his words, and ends by persuading the reader that men and women, life and death, and all things are divinely good."

Portrait of Walt Whitman

Having read Whitman's 'Leaves of Grass' fairly recently, I enjoyed reading James' characterization of Whitman and have to agree. His writings fill me with wonderment, awe, and joy. He is truly a great poet. And his mentality seems to pattern itself after the 'once-born' description by Newman.

James also describes something he calls the mind-cure movement and gives several examples of how positive thinking and other mystical things seems to restore people to health. Once again, I was reminded of my Witch Doctor friend. He has helped me to be healthier through means that I can't really explain. But I can't deny the positive effect on my health and my life.

Twice-Born

After surveying the once-born, James takes us into the dark by describing what he calls 'The Sick Soul'. I suppose if I had never experienced depression, I wouldn't have enjoyed reading those two lectures. But something inside me thrills when I read of others who have faced similar darkness and attempt to wrap some meaning around their experiences. I first encountered this thrill in the midst of my own depression when I read Tolstoy's "Confession". So I was thrilled once again when James used Tolstoy and his book as an example of the opposite of healthy-minded religion. He begins his lecture talking about depression generally and cites examples of religious people who become torn and depressed, failing to see their connection to anything of lasting value.

Portrait of Leo Tolstoy

In addition to Tolstoy, James uses such notable persons as Goethe, Martin Luther, Solomon (author of Ecclesiastes), and John Bunyan (author of Pilgrim's Progress) as examples of highly religious people who represent this mentality so opposed to the healthy-mindedness described above. After describing some elements of this opposite mentality, James tells us, "The surest way to the rapturous sorts of happiness of which the twice-born make report has as an historic matter of fact been through a more radical pessimism than anything that we have yet considered. We have seen how the lustre and enchantment may be rubbed off from the goods of nature. But there is a pitch of unhappiness so great that the goods of nature may be entirely forgotten, and all sentiment of their existence vanish from the mental field. For this extremity of pessimism to be reached, something more is needed than observation of life and reflection upon death. The individual must in his own person become the prey of a pathological melancholy. As the healthy-minded enthusiast succeeds in ignoring evil's very existence, so the subject of melancholy is forced in spite of himself to ignore that of all good whatever: for him it may no longer have the least reality."

Quoting a less well known character, Father Gratry, we read "... every idea of heaven was taken away from me: I could no longer conceive of anything of the sort. Heaven did not seem to me worth going to. It was like a vacuum; a mythological elysium, an abode of shadows less real than the earth. I could conceive no joy, no pleasure in inhabiting it. Happiness, joy, light, affection, love - all these words were now devoid of sense. Without doubt I could still have talked of all these things, but I had become incapable of feeling anything in them, of understanding anything about them, of hoping anything from them, or of believing them to exist. There was my great and inconsolable grief! I neither perceived nor conceived any longer the existence of happiness or perfection. An abstract heaven over a naked rock. Such was my present abode for eternity."

Speaking of such states of mind, James tells us "there are some subjects whom all this leaves a prey to the profoundest astonishment. The strangeness is wrong. The unreality cannot be. A mystery is concealed, and a metaphysical solution must exist. If the natural world is so double-faced and unhomelike, what world, what thing is real? An urgent wondering and questioning is set up, a poring theoretic activity, and in a desperate effort to get into right relations with the matter, the sufferer is often led to what becomes for him a satisfying religious solution."

He continues later, "When disillusionment has gone as far as this, there is seldom a restitutio ad integrum. One has tasted of the fruit of the tree, and the happiness of Eden never comes again. The happiness that comes, when any does come - and often enough it fails to return in an acute form, though its form is sometimes very acute - is not the simple, ignorance of ill, but something vastly more complex, including natural evil as one of its elements, but finding natural evil no such stumbling-block and terror because it now sees it swallowed up in supernatural good. The process is one of redemption, not of mere reversion to natural health, and the sufferer, when saved, is saved by what seems to him a second birth, a deeper kind of conscious being than he could enjoy before."

Now we have a definition of 'twice-born' religionists. Those who pass through the valley of darkness come out of that darkness with a renewed perspective, broader than the simple healthy-mindedness that dismisses or ignores evil, these twice-borns recognize evil as part of a larger whole, but subject to a more powerful good. This seems to me more of a mature faith whose seeds germinated in darkness, despair, and doubt, but lead the sufferer to a greater understanding of light and joy.


Speaking again of the once-borns, James says, "The method of averting one's attention from evil, and living simply in the light of good is splendid as long as it will work. It will work with many persons; it will work far more generally than most of us are ready to suppose; and within the sphere of its successful operation there is nothing to be said against it as a religious solution. But it breaks down impotently as soon as melancholy comes; and even though one be quite free from melancholy one's self, there is no doubt that healthy-mindedness is inadequate as a philosophical doctrine, because the evil facts which it refutes positively to account for are a genuine portion of reality; and they may after all be the best key to life's significance, and possibly the only openers of our eyes to the deepest levels of truth." [emphasis mine]

Wrapping up his lectures on 'The Sick Soul', James says, "The completest religions would therefore seem to be those in which the pessimistic elements are best developed. Buddhism, of course, and Christianity are the best known to us of these. They are essentially religions of deliverance: the man must die to an unreal life before he can be born into the real life."

In a weird way, that last quote reminds me of the movies "The Matrix" and "Inception". The process of a second birth, as James describes it, seems crucial to transcending the vain and transitory aspects of this life to be awakened to a new, more complete reality. Pretty cool.

Church and Scouting Experiences

Church

A few weeks ago, my oldest son gave a talk in church. It was fantastic! He wrote it himself, though I guided him with some questions and gave him a couple of ideas. He talked about service and gave three ideas of how we can serve others. One of my favorite parts was when he talked about doing random acts of service. He gave as an example the story of Christ turning water into wine. He then went on to say that we don't have to perform miracles to be of service; we just need to serve with love as Jesus did. So cool! That boy can be pretty profound.


He was really nervous before giving the talk, but then felt great when he was done. A lot of people complimented him on it and I think that really boosted his confidence.

Scouting

After church that same day, he passed off his last requirement for his Star rank in the Boy Scout program by completing a Board of Review. He was flying high that day. He began to see the light at the end of the tunnel in achieving his Eagle Scout and he has been pretty pumped about it ever since. I'm really proud of him.

But the most satisfying part of the story for me was when he told me thanks for pushing him so hard in scouting. I didn't realize I was pushing so hard, but apparently he thought so. And he told me thanks. Twice. Without any prompting from either mom or dad. He was genuinely grateful that I pushed him to do it because he feels so good about himself given what he has accomplished.

It's so fun to see my children growing up.

Monday, October 7, 2013

Piriformis Syndrome

For several weeks, I've been having pain in my right leg. I describe it as tightness that seems to get worse as I bend my back forward. It has been especially painful every time I get in or out of my car.

It has been getting worse recently and it reached its climax while I've been on vacation with my family in Florida. It became so painful that I couldn't sit down or stand up without intense pain shooting down my leg. I finally went to a walk-in clinic last Saturday. After talking with me and manipulating my leg a little bit, the doctor was convinced that I have piriformis syndrome. The way he described it, one of the muscles in the lower back, upper buttocks region, called the piriformis, has a hole in it through which the sciatic nerve passes. Looking online, that doesn't appear to be true for everyone. For those people whose sciatic nerve doesn't pierce the piriformis, the nerve may be surrounded by the piriformis, other muscles, and/or part of the hip bone. But I'm not entirely sure how those pieces all fit together.


In any case, it appears that when the piriformis muscle becomes tight for long periods of time, it can become inflamed or produce spasms that pinch the sciatic nerve causing pain to shoot down the leg. This makes me feel a little more sympathetic to my wife who endured some sciatic pain during pregnancy. The pain has been pretty awful.

To help me enjoy my vacation a little more, the doctor gave me some steroids to reduce inflammation, muscle relaxants, and pain medicine. The pain medicine has helped me sleep a little better and the other two seem to have given me incredible relief. I no longer feel pain changing positions, though there is still a sense of tightness and occasional slight pain. It appears the drugs will get me through in the short term and then some kind of physical therapy will be needed to fix the problem more permanently.

Reading up on the syndrome, it appears that periods of prolonged sitting can be a cause of the syndrome. I found this article to be particularly helpful. I certainly do a lot of sitting at work, but it may be that the drive to Florida was enough to help me reach my climax of pain once we got here.

I have thought a lot recently about the stress I'm under at work and the impact it has had on my health and family. I am confident that this muscle problem has been exacerbated by the stress I've been enduring and I have concluded that the stress is simply not worth it. I have to make some changes in my work situation to relieve some of that stress. What exactly those changes will be, I don't know yet, but I have a few ideas I'm kicking around.

(Almost) Hurricane Karen

The kids had a few days off school, so we made our way to the Florida panhandle to visit the beach. We arrived on Thursday with plans to stay until Tuesday. When we got here, we saw signs telling us of a tropical storm that was going to be developing into a category 1 hurricane and impacting our area starting Friday. We looked up the weather forecast and, sure enough, rain and high winds predicted Friday through Monday. Ouch! Here's the predicted path as of Thursday morning.


Emily and I talked about it, were a little disappointed that our vacation might not turn out quite the way we had hoped, but ultimately decided that we would make the best of it. God knows how much we needed a good vacation to break away from the stress I've been feeling at work and bringing home to infect the family. So we tried to put our trust in Him.

We told the kids about the situation and they immediately went to work. They started praying the storm away. Child #3 has developed an intense faith in God that I can't really explain. His faith beats out mine easily. Whatever he does, he does intensely and I suppose that may explain some of it. In any case, I have learned that when he prays, he often receives what he prays for.

I can't remember exactly what he asked for, but I remember hearing one of his prayers where he asked God to make the storm go away. Something to that effect. We woke up Friday to beautiful sunshine. I checked the forecast and it now showed Friday completely clear with rain starting on Saturday. We made the most of the day and had a great time on the beach and at the pool. I think it was Friday when I had the impression that God actually was holding back the storm and that it wouldn't impact us at all. That was a little too bold an impression for me, so I didn't share it with anyone. I know I'm a wimp.

We woke up Saturday to beautiful weather and now the forecast showed rain on Sunday, but none on Saturday or Monday. Looking into the situation a little more, it seems that the tropical storm never did gather the strength they predicted it would, it traveled to the west of our position farther than the models predicted, and a cold front was coming in from the west and was predicted to sweep the storm away into nothing. That sweep was predicted to last through Sunday. Sure enough, Sunday came and it rained quite a bit, which was fun - we don't usually do outdoor activities on Sunday anyway and we were watching our church's General Conference a good part of the day anyway. So the storm didn't really affect us.


This morning, the weather looks beautiful with a very small chance of rain in the forecast (20% for about an hour this afternoon). I feel so blessed that our vacation has been so beautiful. God didn't have to dissipate the storm. But it seems to me that He did. I can't imagine we were the only people happy about the outcome and I can't claim that our prayers made all the difference, but I am grateful that they were answered so wonderfully. And I'm so looking forward to another full day of beautiful weather on the beach before we head back home tomorrow.

My Tomboys

Child #4

My youngest told me a few days ago that she wished she were a boy. I asked her why. Her response:

Child: "So I could be an awesome dad like you someday."

[Dad's heart instantly melts]

Dad (a little haltingly, trying to catch up without a solid heart): "Thank you!! That's really sweet of you honey. But you know, you can grow up to be an awesome mom instead."

Child: "Yeah, I'll grow up to be like mommy. Girls pretty much rock."

Dad (smiling): "Yeah, they pretty much do."

This coming from one of the more girly girls I know. I think that exchange occurred shortly after she had helped me change the oil in one of our cars. Maybe I should have her help me work on cars more often.

Child #2

My other girl, child #2, has told me a couple times in recent weeks that she's always been a tom boy. This from one of the other girly-est girls I've ever known. The first time she told me, her mom was there and tried to argue with her. I told her to leave it alone. My girl's pretty stubborn and if she wants to be a tomboy, pretend she's a tomboy, or whatever, we should let her define herself. But it does make me smile when I hear it because she's definitely NOT a tomboy in my mind.

A picture of what appears to be a quintessential tomboy. Borrowed from here under the Fair Use Clause. Thanks Emma.

She told me yesterday she thought she was 1/4 tomboy. I thought that was so adorable, I had to argue with her. I told her she was selling herself short. I thought she was closer to 1/3. :) I'm not sure if she knew I was kidding or not.

I look forward to watching her define herself as she grows older. Whatever she chooses to be, I think she'll be wonderful at it.