Walkenhorst Family

Walkenhorst Family

Friday, December 27, 2013

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas! I love this time of year. It has been so nice to have some time off with my family, to relax, eat some good food (and some junk), play games, sleep in, and take the time to meditate and ponder on my life and the direction it's going.

My wife was really sweet and gave me a lot of nice gifts - more than she should have. I got some nice clothes, chocolates, and a flashlight for camping. As I thought about the gifts I received, I realized the only thing I felt a need to have were the socks she gave me. And I certainly could have bought those myself, but Emily and I have an unofficial agreement. She dresses me and I avoid stores as much as possible. :) So it was nice and I appreciate her thoughtfulness.


But the truth is, I don't need gifts anymore. I remember as a child being so excited for Christmas morning ... mostly for the presents I was going to open, not for the ones other people were opening. But there was the occasional excitement for someone to open a present I gave them. But this year, I noticed I didn't feel any excitement or expectation of gifts I would receive. I was just excited to see Emily and the kids open theirs ... hoping they would enjoy them and that we'd make some good memories with their help. So far, I'd say we've been successful. We've had fun.

I really love this time of year. I love the lights, the music, and most of all the feelings. Feelings pulled to the conscious level from happy memories as a child and feelings of goodness and kindness that seem to emanate from all around as so many people all around focus on giving gifts and remembering the great gift of the lifeblood of Jesus Christ.

I'm grateful to be in a position and an age where I don't feel the need to focus on receiving ... because I truly feel I have everything I need. Instead, I can focus on giving. Maybe that clears the way to focus a little more on receiving the one gift I could never give myself. I can focus on the gift to overcome the evil within me and around me and try to show my appreciation for the gift by utilizing it and being the best man I can be. Maybe that's what Christmas is about. Celebrating the greatest form of freedom we can enjoy, the freedom from evil, given to us by a God who loves us.

Merry Christmas, everyone!

Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Mazel Tov!

My son was invited to a school friend's Bar Mitzvah last weekend. I took him to the ceremony and then dropped him off at a celebration that evening. Wow! It was so fun! I had never seen a Bar Mitzvah before and it was ... well, it was very different from what I've been accustomed to as far as religious ceremonies. I loved it.


What I heard in English was pretty uplifting. Being immersed in a religious culture very different from my own, I was fascinated as I looked around and tried to picture what it would be like to grow up as a Jew. I sensed a great deal of faith in the faces of many of the people I saw. Many of the people I saw clearly weren't there for show; they were there because they believed. That was encouraging to me.

I was also pretty impressed with the young man going through the ceremony. He had clearly worked his tail off to be able to read the Hebrew text in the Torah and I found myself feeling a little jealous. I wish I could read Hebrew.

The party in the evening was pretty incredible too. The parents of my son's friend had clearly spent an incredible amount of money to make their son feel special. And my son had a blast! He couldn't stop talking about it on the way home. Then he stayed up telling me and Emily more about the party. He estimated he knew about 20 of the kids at the party who were in his school.

I love living in a community with such diversity. It was a cool experience for me, but I thought how awesome for my son to be exposed to another religion, to realize how many of his friends were Jewish, and to hopefully keep the good feelings he had with him throughout his life.

In spite of the evil that's often done in the name of deity, I think most religions do a whole lot of good. I'm glad we have so many good religious people around us here in the south.

Saturday, October 26, 2013

Gunshots in Vegas

I was in Las Vegas this week for a conference. Monday morning, I went to the lobby to find some breakfast and found a crime scene. I could see a person on the ground about 50 feet away surrounded by various officials. The whole casino area had been roped off and closed down including the restaurants. All I could think was 'Man, I hate Vegas'. Apparently some poor guy was shot to death trying to intervene when some other guy pulled a gun. The gunman shot two guards who ended up in the hospital and a third 'Good Samaritan' who tackled the guy and probably saved some lives, but ended up sacrificing his own in the process. I was really impressed by the man's courage when I learned the details, but also feel sad for him and his family. It was a little crazy to think that I was awake in my room when the shootings happened. I could just as well have been in the lobby area, though it's very unlikely I would have been very close to the incident. It happened right outside a night club. But the restaurant where I was hoping to eat wasn't very far away ... crazy, huh?


I don't understand Las Vegas. I just don't get the appeal. There's so much filth there, I can't understand how it continues to draw so many people and so much money. Maybe I'm just weird. But I hate it. I got away from the strip a couple of times and felt so much better. It's actually a very pretty city once you get away from the garbage.

It struck me as really odd that I was in Vegas in the same hotel as an incident that made national news. Reminds me of my experience with an earthquake in DC. That was weird too. How often does an earthquake strike DC? And I got to experience it. And then I was in town when Hurricane Sandy was coming ashore. I drove out of town just before the hurricane struck since the airports had all closed down just as I got there. So now I'm wondering - am I naturally attracted to newsworthy disasters or does my presence somehow cause them? :)

The conference was good. And thankfully it won't be in Vegas next year.

It's good to be home. I missed my family and I missed normal life.

Tuesday, October 15, 2013

Vulnerability

Emily pointed me to an absolutely fantastic TED talk. If you have about 20 minutes, please take a look and let me know your thoughts. I am so struck by the profundity of what this woman has taught me, I don't really know what to say. Except that she pegged me pretty well. And she has given me a lot to think about.


Embrace vulnerability as the birthplace of joy, belonging, and love?

Believe that I'm inherently worthy of love and belonging?

Believe that what makes me vulnerable is what makes me beautiful?

Stop controlling or predicting my life?

What kind of crazy talk is this? And how can I internalize these ideas and become what she's talking about?

I'm just like her ... before her breakdown. I want to be like the wholehearted people she describes.

The Varieties of Religious Experience

I've been reading a book by William James called "The Varieties of Religious Experience". I've only read about 1/3 of it, but here's a bit of what I've learned so far. First, I've learned that James was absolutely brilliant. And that has made the book a joy to read.

Portrait of William James

James gave a series of lectures at the University of Edinburgh in 1901 and 1902 where he had been invited to lecture on Natural Religion. The book is a collection of his twenty lectures given during that appointment and attempts to explore humanity's religious appetites or man's religious constitution. After reading through his initial lectures in which he bounds the problem and sets up metrics for analyzing various human experiences, he begins to survey what he calls 'The Religion of Healthy-Mindedness'. It is a kind of mindset that sees the world as wholly good, ignores the evil, and strives by optimism, faith, etc. to achieve happiness. The two lectures he dedicates to this topic are well worth reading and remind me of my friend the Witch Doctor and his oriental-inspired healthy mindedness. I see a lot of value in this kind of mentality.

Once-Born

Quoting Francis W. Newman, James says, " 'God has two families of children on this earth, ... the once-born and the twice-born,' and the once-born he describes as follows: 'They see God, not as a strict Judge, not as a Glorious Potentate; but as the animating Spirit of a beautiful harmonious world, Beneficent and Kind, Merciful as well as Pure. The same characters generally have no metaphysical tendencies: they do not look back into themselves. Hence they are not distressed by their own imperfections: yet it would be absurd to call them self-righteous; for they hardly think of themselves at all. This childlike quality of their nature makes the opening of religion very happy to them: for they no more shrink from God, than a child from an emperor, before whom the parent trembles: in fact, they have no vivid conception of any of the qualities in which the severer Majesty of God consists. He is to them the impersonation of Kindness and Beauty. They read his character, not in the disordered world of man, but in romantic and harmonious nature. Of human sin they know perhaps little in their own hearts and not very much in the world; and human suffering does but melt them to tenderness. Thus, when they approach God, no inward disturbance ensues; and without being as yet spiritual, they have a certain complacency and perhaps romantic sense of excitement in their simple worship.'"

The twice-born is not defined until later. As the quintessential representative of the once-born mentality, James offers us Walt Whitman. An extract of his comments about the poet: "Walt Whitman owes his importance in literature to the systematic expulsion from his writings of all contractile elements. The only sentiments he allowed himself to express were of an expansive order; and he expressed these in the first person, not as your mere monstrously conceited individual might so express them, but vicariously for all men, so that a passionate and mystic ontological emotion suffuses his words, and ends by persuading the reader that men and women, life and death, and all things are divinely good."

Portrait of Walt Whitman

Having read Whitman's 'Leaves of Grass' fairly recently, I enjoyed reading James' characterization of Whitman and have to agree. His writings fill me with wonderment, awe, and joy. He is truly a great poet. And his mentality seems to pattern itself after the 'once-born' description by Newman.

James also describes something he calls the mind-cure movement and gives several examples of how positive thinking and other mystical things seems to restore people to health. Once again, I was reminded of my Witch Doctor friend. He has helped me to be healthier through means that I can't really explain. But I can't deny the positive effect on my health and my life.

Twice-Born

After surveying the once-born, James takes us into the dark by describing what he calls 'The Sick Soul'. I suppose if I had never experienced depression, I wouldn't have enjoyed reading those two lectures. But something inside me thrills when I read of others who have faced similar darkness and attempt to wrap some meaning around their experiences. I first encountered this thrill in the midst of my own depression when I read Tolstoy's "Confession". So I was thrilled once again when James used Tolstoy and his book as an example of the opposite of healthy-minded religion. He begins his lecture talking about depression generally and cites examples of religious people who become torn and depressed, failing to see their connection to anything of lasting value.

Portrait of Leo Tolstoy

In addition to Tolstoy, James uses such notable persons as Goethe, Martin Luther, Solomon (author of Ecclesiastes), and John Bunyan (author of Pilgrim's Progress) as examples of highly religious people who represent this mentality so opposed to the healthy-mindedness described above. After describing some elements of this opposite mentality, James tells us, "The surest way to the rapturous sorts of happiness of which the twice-born make report has as an historic matter of fact been through a more radical pessimism than anything that we have yet considered. We have seen how the lustre and enchantment may be rubbed off from the goods of nature. But there is a pitch of unhappiness so great that the goods of nature may be entirely forgotten, and all sentiment of their existence vanish from the mental field. For this extremity of pessimism to be reached, something more is needed than observation of life and reflection upon death. The individual must in his own person become the prey of a pathological melancholy. As the healthy-minded enthusiast succeeds in ignoring evil's very existence, so the subject of melancholy is forced in spite of himself to ignore that of all good whatever: for him it may no longer have the least reality."

Quoting a less well known character, Father Gratry, we read "... every idea of heaven was taken away from me: I could no longer conceive of anything of the sort. Heaven did not seem to me worth going to. It was like a vacuum; a mythological elysium, an abode of shadows less real than the earth. I could conceive no joy, no pleasure in inhabiting it. Happiness, joy, light, affection, love - all these words were now devoid of sense. Without doubt I could still have talked of all these things, but I had become incapable of feeling anything in them, of understanding anything about them, of hoping anything from them, or of believing them to exist. There was my great and inconsolable grief! I neither perceived nor conceived any longer the existence of happiness or perfection. An abstract heaven over a naked rock. Such was my present abode for eternity."

Speaking of such states of mind, James tells us "there are some subjects whom all this leaves a prey to the profoundest astonishment. The strangeness is wrong. The unreality cannot be. A mystery is concealed, and a metaphysical solution must exist. If the natural world is so double-faced and unhomelike, what world, what thing is real? An urgent wondering and questioning is set up, a poring theoretic activity, and in a desperate effort to get into right relations with the matter, the sufferer is often led to what becomes for him a satisfying religious solution."

He continues later, "When disillusionment has gone as far as this, there is seldom a restitutio ad integrum. One has tasted of the fruit of the tree, and the happiness of Eden never comes again. The happiness that comes, when any does come - and often enough it fails to return in an acute form, though its form is sometimes very acute - is not the simple, ignorance of ill, but something vastly more complex, including natural evil as one of its elements, but finding natural evil no such stumbling-block and terror because it now sees it swallowed up in supernatural good. The process is one of redemption, not of mere reversion to natural health, and the sufferer, when saved, is saved by what seems to him a second birth, a deeper kind of conscious being than he could enjoy before."

Now we have a definition of 'twice-born' religionists. Those who pass through the valley of darkness come out of that darkness with a renewed perspective, broader than the simple healthy-mindedness that dismisses or ignores evil, these twice-borns recognize evil as part of a larger whole, but subject to a more powerful good. This seems to me more of a mature faith whose seeds germinated in darkness, despair, and doubt, but lead the sufferer to a greater understanding of light and joy.


Speaking again of the once-borns, James says, "The method of averting one's attention from evil, and living simply in the light of good is splendid as long as it will work. It will work with many persons; it will work far more generally than most of us are ready to suppose; and within the sphere of its successful operation there is nothing to be said against it as a religious solution. But it breaks down impotently as soon as melancholy comes; and even though one be quite free from melancholy one's self, there is no doubt that healthy-mindedness is inadequate as a philosophical doctrine, because the evil facts which it refutes positively to account for are a genuine portion of reality; and they may after all be the best key to life's significance, and possibly the only openers of our eyes to the deepest levels of truth." [emphasis mine]

Wrapping up his lectures on 'The Sick Soul', James says, "The completest religions would therefore seem to be those in which the pessimistic elements are best developed. Buddhism, of course, and Christianity are the best known to us of these. They are essentially religions of deliverance: the man must die to an unreal life before he can be born into the real life."

In a weird way, that last quote reminds me of the movies "The Matrix" and "Inception". The process of a second birth, as James describes it, seems crucial to transcending the vain and transitory aspects of this life to be awakened to a new, more complete reality. Pretty cool.

Church and Scouting Experiences

Church

A few weeks ago, my oldest son gave a talk in church. It was fantastic! He wrote it himself, though I guided him with some questions and gave him a couple of ideas. He talked about service and gave three ideas of how we can serve others. One of my favorite parts was when he talked about doing random acts of service. He gave as an example the story of Christ turning water into wine. He then went on to say that we don't have to perform miracles to be of service; we just need to serve with love as Jesus did. So cool! That boy can be pretty profound.


He was really nervous before giving the talk, but then felt great when he was done. A lot of people complimented him on it and I think that really boosted his confidence.

Scouting

After church that same day, he passed off his last requirement for his Star rank in the Boy Scout program by completing a Board of Review. He was flying high that day. He began to see the light at the end of the tunnel in achieving his Eagle Scout and he has been pretty pumped about it ever since. I'm really proud of him.

But the most satisfying part of the story for me was when he told me thanks for pushing him so hard in scouting. I didn't realize I was pushing so hard, but apparently he thought so. And he told me thanks. Twice. Without any prompting from either mom or dad. He was genuinely grateful that I pushed him to do it because he feels so good about himself given what he has accomplished.

It's so fun to see my children growing up.

Monday, October 7, 2013

Piriformis Syndrome

For several weeks, I've been having pain in my right leg. I describe it as tightness that seems to get worse as I bend my back forward. It has been especially painful every time I get in or out of my car.

It has been getting worse recently and it reached its climax while I've been on vacation with my family in Florida. It became so painful that I couldn't sit down or stand up without intense pain shooting down my leg. I finally went to a walk-in clinic last Saturday. After talking with me and manipulating my leg a little bit, the doctor was convinced that I have piriformis syndrome. The way he described it, one of the muscles in the lower back, upper buttocks region, called the piriformis, has a hole in it through which the sciatic nerve passes. Looking online, that doesn't appear to be true for everyone. For those people whose sciatic nerve doesn't pierce the piriformis, the nerve may be surrounded by the piriformis, other muscles, and/or part of the hip bone. But I'm not entirely sure how those pieces all fit together.


In any case, it appears that when the piriformis muscle becomes tight for long periods of time, it can become inflamed or produce spasms that pinch the sciatic nerve causing pain to shoot down the leg. This makes me feel a little more sympathetic to my wife who endured some sciatic pain during pregnancy. The pain has been pretty awful.

To help me enjoy my vacation a little more, the doctor gave me some steroids to reduce inflammation, muscle relaxants, and pain medicine. The pain medicine has helped me sleep a little better and the other two seem to have given me incredible relief. I no longer feel pain changing positions, though there is still a sense of tightness and occasional slight pain. It appears the drugs will get me through in the short term and then some kind of physical therapy will be needed to fix the problem more permanently.

Reading up on the syndrome, it appears that periods of prolonged sitting can be a cause of the syndrome. I found this article to be particularly helpful. I certainly do a lot of sitting at work, but it may be that the drive to Florida was enough to help me reach my climax of pain once we got here.

I have thought a lot recently about the stress I'm under at work and the impact it has had on my health and family. I am confident that this muscle problem has been exacerbated by the stress I've been enduring and I have concluded that the stress is simply not worth it. I have to make some changes in my work situation to relieve some of that stress. What exactly those changes will be, I don't know yet, but I have a few ideas I'm kicking around.

(Almost) Hurricane Karen

The kids had a few days off school, so we made our way to the Florida panhandle to visit the beach. We arrived on Thursday with plans to stay until Tuesday. When we got here, we saw signs telling us of a tropical storm that was going to be developing into a category 1 hurricane and impacting our area starting Friday. We looked up the weather forecast and, sure enough, rain and high winds predicted Friday through Monday. Ouch! Here's the predicted path as of Thursday morning.


Emily and I talked about it, were a little disappointed that our vacation might not turn out quite the way we had hoped, but ultimately decided that we would make the best of it. God knows how much we needed a good vacation to break away from the stress I've been feeling at work and bringing home to infect the family. So we tried to put our trust in Him.

We told the kids about the situation and they immediately went to work. They started praying the storm away. Child #3 has developed an intense faith in God that I can't really explain. His faith beats out mine easily. Whatever he does, he does intensely and I suppose that may explain some of it. In any case, I have learned that when he prays, he often receives what he prays for.

I can't remember exactly what he asked for, but I remember hearing one of his prayers where he asked God to make the storm go away. Something to that effect. We woke up Friday to beautiful sunshine. I checked the forecast and it now showed Friday completely clear with rain starting on Saturday. We made the most of the day and had a great time on the beach and at the pool. I think it was Friday when I had the impression that God actually was holding back the storm and that it wouldn't impact us at all. That was a little too bold an impression for me, so I didn't share it with anyone. I know I'm a wimp.

We woke up Saturday to beautiful weather and now the forecast showed rain on Sunday, but none on Saturday or Monday. Looking into the situation a little more, it seems that the tropical storm never did gather the strength they predicted it would, it traveled to the west of our position farther than the models predicted, and a cold front was coming in from the west and was predicted to sweep the storm away into nothing. That sweep was predicted to last through Sunday. Sure enough, Sunday came and it rained quite a bit, which was fun - we don't usually do outdoor activities on Sunday anyway and we were watching our church's General Conference a good part of the day anyway. So the storm didn't really affect us.


This morning, the weather looks beautiful with a very small chance of rain in the forecast (20% for about an hour this afternoon). I feel so blessed that our vacation has been so beautiful. God didn't have to dissipate the storm. But it seems to me that He did. I can't imagine we were the only people happy about the outcome and I can't claim that our prayers made all the difference, but I am grateful that they were answered so wonderfully. And I'm so looking forward to another full day of beautiful weather on the beach before we head back home tomorrow.

My Tomboys

Child #4

My youngest told me a few days ago that she wished she were a boy. I asked her why. Her response:

Child: "So I could be an awesome dad like you someday."

[Dad's heart instantly melts]

Dad (a little haltingly, trying to catch up without a solid heart): "Thank you!! That's really sweet of you honey. But you know, you can grow up to be an awesome mom instead."

Child: "Yeah, I'll grow up to be like mommy. Girls pretty much rock."

Dad (smiling): "Yeah, they pretty much do."

This coming from one of the more girly girls I know. I think that exchange occurred shortly after she had helped me change the oil in one of our cars. Maybe I should have her help me work on cars more often.

Child #2

My other girl, child #2, has told me a couple times in recent weeks that she's always been a tom boy. This from one of the other girly-est girls I've ever known. The first time she told me, her mom was there and tried to argue with her. I told her to leave it alone. My girl's pretty stubborn and if she wants to be a tomboy, pretend she's a tomboy, or whatever, we should let her define herself. But it does make me smile when I hear it because she's definitely NOT a tomboy in my mind.

A picture of what appears to be a quintessential tomboy. Borrowed from here under the Fair Use Clause. Thanks Emma.

She told me yesterday she thought she was 1/4 tomboy. I thought that was so adorable, I had to argue with her. I told her she was selling herself short. I thought she was closer to 1/3. :) I'm not sure if she knew I was kidding or not.

I look forward to watching her define herself as she grows older. Whatever she chooses to be, I think she'll be wonderful at it.

Saturday, July 27, 2013

Movie Night

I was home alone for a couple of days this week while my wife and kids were out of town. So one night, I watched a bunch of movies and I really lucked out. I watched THREE movies and I loved all of them.


I watched a movie called 'Heaven Can Wait' starring Warren Beatty. It was a really sweet movie about an athlete who is taken out of his body just before an accident to spare him the pain. As he's being conducted to heaven, they find out that he wasn't supposed to die. But when they go back to check on his body, they find it has already been cremated. So he ends up taking the body of another man who just died. It's a very funny story with a really sweet ending. I think my favorite thing about the movie was the goodness of the main character. It was a nice, refreshing story. Good movie. Well worth watching.


The second movie was my favorite. It was called 'Shuffle' starring T.J. Thyne and it was fantastic! There are a couple small parts of the movie that I wouldn't recommend for children, but I didn't think they were nasty. The premise of the movie is a man who is living his life out of order. One day he's 30, then he's 8, then he's 42, then he's ... you get the idea. There are a couple of twists that really surprised me, but were really satisfying at the same time. It was intense, emotional, artistic, and ended making me feel really good. I highly recommend that one. We first saw TJ Thyne in a short film a few years ago called 'Validation'. That's also well worth watching. I'll put it here in case you haven't seen it. Check it out.


Then I watched a movie called 'Happy'. It's a documentary about what makes people happy and it was REALLY cool to see. Some take-aways for me: 1) Variety; 2) Physical activity; 3) Nature; 4) Relationships, especially family; 5) Get in the zone with something you like to do; 6) Laughter; 7) Compassion/kindness (perform random acts of kindness); 8) Meditation; 9) Gratitude (count your blessings regularly; write them down); 10) Personal growth.


That jives pretty well with what I've seen in my life so far. It's interesting to note how much emphasis we place on things like money, status, and image and imagine those things will make us happier. But they really don't. Once you have enough to eat, clothes to wear, and shelter from weather, the amount of money you have doesn't correlate at all with your level of happiness. And most of the people I know have the basic necessities of life.

So, three movies in one night: 1) Heaven Can Wait; 2) Shuffle; 3) Happy. And I loved them all. I normally would have gone crazy sitting that long in one evening, but I felt so good when I was done. And each movie has given me a lot to think about. I recommend them all, but the best one was 'Shuffle'. If you've seen any of these or if you decide to see them, let me know what you think. For those Netflix subscribers out there, as of today, all three are available for streaming, so that makes it easy.

Monday, May 27, 2013

Steve Jobs

We took the family to the library last week. On the way out, a book caught my eye and I grabbed it. A biography on Steve Jobs by Patricia Lakin. I read through it that night.


I had heard a lot about Steve, but hadn't ever read much about his life. He's extremely impressive. Like anyone else, he had his weaknesses, but here's a little of what I found worth knowing and trying to emulate.

He summed up certain portions of his life in a commencement speech at Stanford in 2005. Summarizing that speech, Patricia tells us,
He told the graduates three stories. The first, he said, was about connecting the dots. For the first time Steve publicly spoke of his adoption by his devoted and loving parents, Paul and Clara. He then told of dropping out of college but dropping in on an amazing calligraphy class at Reed. He urged the graduates to let their life's path be guided by their gut intuitions and their passions. If they did, they'd look back and realize how their own random "dots" or life experiences would connect for them in meaningful and surprising ways. As for choosing a life path, he felt the key was finding what you love and pursuing it passionately.
In the calligraphy class, Steve learned a lot about fonts, spacings, and artistic beauty, all of which were instrumental in designing the Mac computer, particularly in creating a set of fonts based on the calligraphy he learned. Those fonts Apple created were copied by Windows, so Steve's random calligraphy class has touched millions, perhaps billions, of people. Patricia continues,
The second story told of his love for the work he was doing, his shame at being ousted from Apple, but how freeing it ultimately was. He said, "The heaviness of being successful was replaced by the lightness of being a beginner again, less sure about everything. It freed me to enter one of the most creative periods of my life." In addition to talking about starting NeXT and acquiring Pixar, he mentioned his wife and children as being an important part of this creative period.
Steve's third story was about death. He regarded is as a great "invention," for it cleared out the old generation and made room for the new. He also recounted his philosophy of using death to evaluate how he was about to spend his day. "Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life ... Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose.... There is no reason not to follow your heart."
Regarding death, Steve said in that speech,
When I was 17, I read a quote that went something like: "If you live each day as if it was your last, someday you'll most certainly be right." It made an impression on me, and since then, for the past 33 years, I have looked in the mirror every morning and asked myself: "If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?" And whenever the answer has been "No" for too many days in a row, I know I need to change something.
For all Steve's weaknesses - and like all of us, he had many - I think his philosophy and approach to life had a lot to do with his success. The world is a different place because of him. I think I could be more productive and have a more positive impact on the world if I imbibed more of his philosophy on death, passion, and trust.

One last quote from that speech:
Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.
Thanks Steve. And thanks Patricia for giving me a little insight into Steve's life. As a final tribute to Steve, Patricia ends her book with the words from one of Apple's ads called "Think Different:"
Here's to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The troublemakers. The round pegs in square holes. The ones who see things differently. They're not fond of rules. And they have no respect for the status quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify or vilify them. About the only thing you can't do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. While some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world are the ones who do.

Friday, May 24, 2013

Lessons from Earthsea

I recently watched a two-part miniseries called Earthsea. A little weird, some parts I definitely don't recommend, but parts of it have given me some things to think about. And it's time to document those thoughts.


The show is based on a series of books by Ursula LeGuin. I was first exposed to her writings a couple years ago when I heard about and later read her short story entitled The Ones Who Walk Away from Omelas. I was very impressed by her writing and philosophy.

The story of Earthsea revolves around a wizard named Ged who fulfills a prophecy to repair a mystical amulet with power to keep evil at bay ... I'm going to really gloss over a lot of details here. The ultimate reconciliation takes place between him, representing the wizarding world, and a priestess representing the power of faith. Both of these worlds seem to be at conflict with a military power that neither respects nor practices either magic or faith.

There are a lot of really powerful themes and symbols to be explored given that framework, but the one I've been thinking about the most concerns a reconciliation and acceptance on a personal level. Ged, our friendly wizard, summons an evil being as the result of a dare. He didn't intend to summon something evil, but this being, called a Gebbeth, ends up hunting him and for a good part of the story, he finds himself on the run. Eventually, he decides to become the hunter and, though unsuccessful in his first encounter with the Gebbeth, near the end, he recognizes that the Gebbeth is actually a reflection of the evil within himself. He accepts the existence of the evil and decides to 'own' the Gebbeth instead of being owned by it. The two bodies merge into one and Ged, now much stronger, is able to finish his task of reuniting the amulet.

It reminded me of the story of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde where the opposite occurs. By attempting to separate the evil part of his nature from the good, Dr. Jekyll ultimately succumbs to the evil nature within and becomes Mr. Hyde. Ged, on the other hand, accepted the evil within himself and rather than seeking to cast it from him, he made it his servant. I think there's a lot of truth in these stories. We all have evil within us, but rather than trying to take that part of who we are and eject it, perhaps the solution is to mold it, to own it, to turn a weakness into a strength, to turn vice into virtue. Rather than being half a human by attempting to eradicate evil, perhaps we need to focus on maintaining our whole soul and molding the evil or weakness within to serve virtue.

A scripture in the Book of Mormon has come to mind several times as I've been thinking along these lines. From Ether 12:27:
... if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them.
I've also been thinking of a book by C.S. Lewis called The Great Divorce. The story is a fantasy dream of the author traveling from hell to heaven and describes some of Lewis' thoughts on what heaven and hell are really like; some of it would likely surprise many Christians. It's a great book. One part tells of a soul who is burdened by an imp that sits on his shoulder and whispers things in his ear. This man, now a spirit attempting to progress and enter heaven, is speaking with an angel who claims to have the power to kill the imp, but can only do so with the man's permission. As the conversation progresses, it becomes clear that the imp represents lust.


As the man begins to sway toward accepting the angel's invitation, the imp reminds the man of how long they have been together and how much he relies on the imp. He tells the man the angel does have the power to kill him, but because they are so closely connected, if the imp dies, the man will die as well. The man begins to revert to his original position when the angel challenges him by asking if it wouldn't be better to die than to live another day with the imp. The man agrees that it would be better to die than to hear anymore of the imp's whisperings and gives the angel permission to kill the imp. When the angel grabs the imp, both the imp and the man scream and the man crumples in a heap as the angel casts the imp to the ground. Though it appears that both are dead, as the author looks on, the imp begins to transform into a beautiful horse who, when the man revives, carries the man to a beautiful city, representing the home of God, far in the distance. The man's change of heart allows a divine power to intervene and transform what was a crippling weakness into a magnificent strength and the man is able to progress much  more rapidly toward his ultimate goal.

I think we, as humans, being a mix of good and evil, have an opportunity to accept the weaknesses we've been given and seek to turn them into strengths. I have at times tried to cast my evil inclinations far from me, but I find that doesn't work very well. Ultimately, they come back with added power and seek to overwhelm me. I've been much more successful in living a life of virtue when I accept my weaknesses and seek to own and mold them rather than allowing them to master me. Running from them, like Ged did initially, doesn't work. Running from situations that encourage the weakness can be wise, but that's a little different. Seeking to separate our weaknesses from who we are and destroy them, like Dr. Jekyll attempted, doesn't seem to work either. Only by reconciling ourselves with them and owning them, as Ged did at the end of his story, are we able to overcome the evil and, as with Ged and the man in Lewis' story, those weaknesses often become great sources of strength when properly understood, accepted, and aligned with a virtuous will.

That's what I think anyway. What do you think?

Saturday, April 6, 2013

Music, My Stress Reliever

The last few weeks have been really intense for me. I picked up some new responsibilities at work and they have been consuming me. There have been a few times in my life when my mind has become so saturated with a single topic that I find myself thinking about it almost constantly. Trying to finish my research for my Ph.D. was one of those times. I remember dreaming about solving equations. Sometimes those dreams were very helpful. In fact, being so consumed by something usually made me extremely efficient in accomplishing whatever it was I was trying to accomplish.

Learning German was another example of this. I lived the language so much that I began to dream in German. That's when I knew I was succeeding. When I got in the groove, I made a lot of progress learning the language.

Recently, I've become consumed by these new responsibilities at work in a similar way. I've found myself dreaming about the issues I'm dealing with. Although I feel like I'm getting in the groove and I feel hopeful that I'll get my hands around this new job, I'm also becoming a bit too stressed. It's hard to focus on other important things; I'm getting less sleep; and my patience is a little thinner than it should be. I snapped at one of my children today and he definitely didn't deserve it. Thankfully I apologized right away and he was really mature about it.


So, like many other times in my life, I've found myself turning to music for release. I've pulled out my guitar a couple times lately and have really enjoyed belting out some favorites songs. I recently played in a variety show at my church with a good friend - we played and sang 'Sounds of Silence' by Simon and Garfunkel. That was a blast!

And yesterday, on my way home from a business trip, I turned up the music on my iPod and cycled through my favorite music almost the entire plane ride home. Really helpful after an extremely long and busy week. I also watched parts of 'Les Miserables' again on the plane, fast forwarding to my favorites songs. Once again, some of the music brought tears to my eyes and the emotional release was great! I think I counted five songs that got the tears going: 'On My Own', 'A Little Fall of Rain', 'Empty Chairs at Empty Tables', and 'Valjean's Death' and 'Epilogue' - though the last two, I really consider to be a single song. And it's probably my favorite.


I think I'm in for a roller coaster ride at work for a few more weeks before I see things settle down to a stable operating point. In addition to music, I've found prayer, meditation, exercise, and family to be helpful in maintaining my balance and sanity. Hopefully I can maintain that balance well enough that I don't damage the more important things (e.g. relationships) in favor of something less important (my job). Wish me luck!

Friday, February 8, 2013

Lucky

My youngest was singing one of her made-up-on-the-fly kind of songs about how she was so lucky. At one point in her song, she sang that she was the only lucky person in the world ... at which point, I interrupted her to say, "But I'm lucky too."


She protested. I started walking toward her and replied, "Yes, I am. Do you know why I'm lucky?" I picked her up, hugged her, and said, "Because I have you."

In a subdued voice, she replied, "Yeah, I guess you are pretty lucky."

Monday, February 4, 2013

February is here!

Welcome to February! I was out of town when February started, so it sort of snuck up on me. But I'm so excited! I love this month. When I rank order my months from favorite to least favorite, February always makes the top twelve. But in recent years, it has consistently been in the top two or three. Thanks to the genius of my wife, our family celebrates a 'Freedom from TV' month. Choosing the shortest month was just part of the brilliance of her public relations campaign. You see, this holiday wasn't exactly lobbied for by the peasantry in the Walkenhorst kingdom, but then we aren't exactly a democracy.


As the kids have grown and become more enamored with electronics of all kinds, we've expanded the 'no TV' concept to no electronic entertainment. Picture that - no movies, no video games, no electronically induced DNA modifications causing my children to become demons temporarily. I love it! February is fantastic.

So far, we're off to a good start. We've been playing games together, talking together, laughing together, and I really haven't heard any complaining yet! But the month is still young. Stay tuned. And if you decide to celebrate this holiday with us, please let me know how it goes. I always find February to be a nice wholesome time where our family reconnects and we feel a little closer at the end of the month than we did at the beginning. I'm looking forward to that.

Tuesday, January 29, 2013

Training Wheels

I took the training wheels off for my youngest child last night. I had loosened them so there was a lot of room for her to lean the bike without the training wheels hitting the ground and after riding around for a while, it was obvious she didn't need them at all. She was really proud of herself!


Milestones like this make me think I must be getting old. Thankfully I don't feel old. It was great to see her feeling so liberated and empowered! Our family discovered a new set of dirt trails a couple weeks ago; now that #4 is off training wheels, I think we'll have to tackle it again.

Having a family is such an adventure ... and so much fun.

Monday, January 14, 2013

Les Miserables

My wife and I recently went to see Les Miserables. I have never seen a live performance of the play, but I know the story and the music. I've read the book by Victor Hugo and I've been listening to the music for many years and it seems to me the music basically tells the story, though there are a few sections of speech that help tie some of it together. I love the story.

And I LOVED the movie! When it was over, I just sat there and listened to the music as the credits ran. I love the way it ends.


I was really impressed by the singing from some well known actors. I thought Hugh Jackman was fantastic as Valjean. I think Valjean's character is the most wonderful element of the story. And Jackman did a great job bringing it to life. There are parts of the story that are so painful and revolting that I sort of shrank inside myself when they came on the screen. But without the negative, the resolution wouldn't be nearly so sweet.

Fantine is probably the most tragic character in the story, but it's Eponine's story that really gets me choked up. Coming from a disgusting upbringing, her unrequited love is so sweetly tragic that I get tears in my eyes when I listen to a good rendition of 'On My Own' ... and the actress in the film did a GREAT job with that song! She had a beautiful voice and she loaded that scene with pathos. With that as background, another song that brings tear to my eyes is 'A Little Fall of Rain' and once again, the film came through.

But although I love Eponine's story, Valjean is my favorite character. His honor, courage, integrity, and virtue seem to rise to every challenge to tempt him into betraying those principles. After a formative experience with a godly man, the Bishop of Digne, Valjean seems impossibly steeled against all evil both within and without. The musical shows his struggles; he's no Superman. But I find myself cheering him on as he faces incredibly difficult choices and consistently makes the honorable choice. Jackman did a great job showing the emotion associated with making those tough choices. And Valjean offers me, at least, an example of what it's like to be a morally upright hero in a sometimes debauched and unjust world.

The scene at the end is my absolute favorite. After everything he has been through, after all the injustice suffered by multiple characters, the ending shows a place where wrongs are made right and where all who have suffered find peace. I love the way the words are changed from what was a rousing military song earlier in the play to a rousing song that rejoices in the freedom that comes to those who choose good over evil. Even though justice isn't always done here, the end of the play points to a place where justice will ultimately be done. And as Valjean steps into that place, I feel an incredible resolution to all of the evil that went before and I get this exultant feeling that freedom and joy, so often denied to so many, will ultimately be granted to those who honestly seek it. I look forward to finding that place someday myself.

Another great scene that brought tears to my eyes was 'Empty Chairs at Empty Tables'. The guy who played Marius was really fantastic. Great voice!

If you've seen the movie, the play, or just like the music, I'd love to hear your thoughts. Please feel free to comment.