I remember talking with God one day (usually that's just me talking, but sometimes I feel like it becomes two-way communication, which is really cool). I can't remember my exact line of questioning, but I remember an idea forming in my mind that was very foreign to any thought process I can remember having before. I was talking about the beauty of my wife, the beauty of women in general, love and lust, and a bunch of other things. I think I must have said something to the effect that I felt like I was supposed to avoid lust except as directed toward my wife.
The idea came almost immediately that I should avoid lust even toward her. That I should love her, be close to her, allow myself to be wrapped up in her and let her consume me, but not to lust after her.
I'm not sure I represented the idea quite right, but that's what I remember right now. It confused me. I didn't understand how I could be consumed by my wife, how we could have a thriving, healthy sex life, and I not feel lust toward her. I think, a couple of years later, that I may have just figured it out.
I have, for a long time, been attempting to understand the distinction between appreciation for beauty and lust. I've come to the conclusion that lust represents a desire to own, to use, to consume, and often in inappropriate ways. Appreciating a beautiful sunrise doesn't imply that I want to own the sun; I simply enjoy it and feel refreshed by the natural wonder of it. The same applies to women.
I appreciate the beauty of women. In fact, I don't think there is a woman alive who isn't beautiful. Women, as God's final element of creation in this world, are among his most elegant creations - perhaps his most elegant. I don't believe I have ever seen anything quite as lovely as woman. Men are just ugly - sorry fellas. I look in the mirror and I simply don't see what my wife sees. Thank God she has a perspective that is different from mine.
And I enjoy seeing beautiful women everywhere I go. I was on a business trip yesterday and I saw many lovely women. I go to church and enjoy being among so many beautiful women, some of whom are more beautiful to me because of the beauty I see on the inside as I've come to know them. But I don't desire to own, to use, or to unite with any of them. Their beauty is simply refreshing and I enjoy being in a world with such beautiful beings.
But my relationship with my wife is a little different. Many times in my life, I have wanted to own her, to use her, to unite with her, and I realized that 'lust' as I've defined it, is an unhealthy disposition in my marriage relationship. I have come to see that even in marriage, lust is inappropriate. It is love that we're after and love can lead to a perfect union of souls, of which the physical, sexual union is simply an outgrowth, a symbol, a culmination. I don't want to minimize the importance of sex; rather, to point out that it is even more wonderful and more powerful when it flows from a motive of pure love rather than physical attraction.
I'm still physically attracted to my wife. And if you've seen her, I'm sure you understand. Pictures don't do justice. My wife is gorgeous! I was looking at her last night after seeing so many women during my one-day trip yesterday and thinking how perfect she is for me. Taken as a whole, no other woman compares to her. I really believe she and I were made for each other, our complementary strengths and the challenges we've posed for each other that have helped us to grow individually and to grow together as a couple.
One aspect of my wife I thought about last night was modesty. Some of the women I saw yesterday, beautiful as they are, weren't dressed very modestly and I thought how sad that they felt the need or desire to share so much of themselves with the world - or at least with anyone who happened to look at them. It almost felt like they were cheating their husbands from something that should rightfully belong to them.
I'm so grateful that my wife is careful to preserve her modesty and while she allows everyone to see her beauty, she preserves much of herself just for me. That aspect of her demeanor makes our relationship even sweeter. I think the women I see at church look just a little more beautiful than many others because they also, or the vast majority of them, are dressed neatly and modestly.
As we talked about our day last night, I was struck more and more by her sweetness, by the way she gives of herself and serves everyone around her. She begins with our family and moves outward, rarely giving thought to her own comfort. She has had selfish times in her life, but most of the time, she sweetly seeks to bless others. And I love and admire her for that.
As I have come to love my wife, on the inside and outside, I've come to see the wisdom of the impression I had not to allow lust to be part of my marriage. I hadn't separated the idea of lust from sex in my mind and I couldn't see how the idea was logical, but I stored it away and thought about it. And now I think I understand. Sex is about so much more than physical attraction. The attraction is a nice part of it, but the real essence of the act is a union of souls. When that union is based on love, appreciation, mutual respect, etc., it is so much more fulfilling than when it is based on attraction.
I think this separation of concepts (sex and lust), though forming in my mind for years, was really cemented by the post I read recently from a homosexual man. Funny how it took a homosexual man's explanation of love and sex to help me realize the wisdom of a divine impression that I think will continue to improve my relationship with my wife. I think everyone we meet has something they can teach us and I'm grateful that so many people are willing to share their wisdom with me.
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