The Reluctant Leader

For the last two years, I have been reluctantly acting in a management role at work. I accepted the responsibility because I felt that if I didn't, I wouldn't be able to do the kind of work I wanted to do. My preferred field of research is somewhat narrow and, while I was working with a colleague who had similar interests for several years, when he left, I realized that if I didn't set up my own camp, I would be sucked up into someone else's and would be re-directed toward research that I don't enjoy.


George Washington, one of my heroes and another reluctant leader

From the beginning of this new role, I have often felt overwhelmed, just trying to keep my head above water. I also found that by sacrificing my time doing technical work, I saved the work I loved, but I could no longer do it myself ... at least for the most part. There have been times when I have wanted to run away.

I took a business trip a couple weeks ago with a colleague who is much older, more experienced, and through a strange twist of fate is now working for me, though he should probably be my boss. He's not interested in that, by the way, but I would prefer that arrangement. He's semi-retired, he's walked in my shoes and for some reason, he has taken it upon himself to help me. We enjoy working together, so I'm really grateful that he is willing to share his experience and wisdom with me. He's really a great guy.

On this trip, he helped me gain a new perspective on things. While traveling and over meals, he offered me his story of being dragged into management kicking and screaming. In many ways, we have had similar experiences, though there are definitely differences. He helped me to see a new way of looking at things that may make my business more successful and he has helped me to see a new way of looking at my duties that brings out the joy in them.

I have always enjoyed teaching and have, for many years, considered a career in teaching. Talking with my colleague, I came to see how I can teach AND lead in my current job at the same time. I can get the joy of both with the extra freedom of being my own boss - which, in my company, I basically am. How did I get so lucky? God must really be looking out for me.

For many years, I have avoided leadership in any form. Although I enjoy getting my way and being the center of attention, I have weaknesses that make such leadership positions dangerous for me. I am naturally arrogant and self-centered and I see a threat to my well-being and my character by being looked up to as an example or in giving guidance or direction. With the help of C.S. Lewis ("Mere Christianity") and Ezra T. Benson ("Beware of Pride"), I have seen the nature and ugliness of pride and I have studiously avoided anything that tends to increase that vice in me. This has included leadership. In recent years, it seems the fates are conspiring against my plan and have thrown leadership at me in my professional employment, in my church, and in my home. I have grown a lot and although I'm still very susceptible to pride, I seem to be able to manage the pride better right now. I don't know if that will last, so I still feel guarded.

Driving to work one morning last week, I realized that the things that make my work difficult as a manager are the very things that can teach me how to lead in other areas of my life. I believe they are the things that are designed to stretch me most right now and help me become more like God. Leadership with humility can make positive differences in the lives of those who look to those leaders. Although I'm still not always sure I want to be a leader, with the help of my friend and colleague, my wife, and God, I'm starting to see that this is exactly what I need right now in order to grow and become the man I need to be.