Divorce

I learned recently of a couple we have known for years who got a divorce a couple months ago. Obviously we're not really close, so it didn't hurt a lot to hear about it, but it was a bit shocking.

It's strange to see that happen. Emily and I have seen some of our friends and acquaintances dissolve their marriages in recent years and although I don't judge the participants for ending their marriages, it still strikes me as sad every time I hear of it happening. I've learned how hard marriage can be and I wouldn't judge anyone for failing to keep their marriage alive. Still, I have a feeling that many of these marriages could be preserved if the participants worked and sacrificed to make it work. I think maybe our society has made it so easy to dissolve a marriage that when things get tough (and they always do), it's easy for the couple to say "well, we tried" and give up.

I know it's hellish to be in a relationship that has gone sour, but having been through hell once or twice and finding my relationship with my wife even sweeter than it was before ... it's worth paying the price.

Eleven eleven eleven

A couple hours ago, it was 11:11 (eleventy-eleven) on the 11th day of the 11th month of 2011. And I missed it! Luckily, I'll get another chance to enjoy the moment tonight.

There must be some mystical significant in this happy circumstance. A good omen. I see happy times ahead. At least until 11:12.

Running

I went running this morning and, according to my low-quality GPS from my iPod, I ran 2.5 miles with an average 7.5 minute mile. That's pretty good for a desk-bound engineer like me!

I've never been a great runner, but to rehabilitate my ankle, which I broke in January, my orthopedist recommended running as the best exercise to get my flexibility and strength back. So over the last 3 months, I've been slowly building up to about five miles per week. I've noticed a significant improvement in the ankle, so the doc's prescription is working.

I ran with my third son at a mile-run that his school did last Saturday. We crossed the finish line at the same time, but I couldn't believe how much I hurt. He gave it his best and he was hurting too, so I felt ok that I kept up with him, but when that kid grows up, he's going to leave me in the dust. He has been known to run an 8 minute mile. At his age, that is pretty amazing. Saturday, he started off sprinting (I sprinted with him, which was a BAD idea) and we did it in about 9 minutes.

A few weeks ago, we heard of a teenage boy at church who runs about a 4:32 mile. I just about fell on the floor. This is a high schooler! I think my time in high school was usually around 7 minutes, maybe a little faster, but I'm pretty sure I never broke 6 minutes. Good thing I have other talents. I like having the opportunity to run and keep in shape, but I don't think I'll ever be a great runner. I'll leave that to my son and our teenage friend.

Star Wars and Candy

Saturday was a lazy day and we ended up finishing the Star Wars trilogy. That felt good and wasteful at the same time. I needed a down day, so I'm ok with that.

Now that my kids had seen the redemption of Darth Vader, their next set of questions dealt with how he became what he was. If he could become good again, how did he become evil in the first place? Well, thanks to the George Lucas empire, we have three more movies to answer that question!

Oh boy. I don't think I can take that much Star Wars in so short a time. We'd better wait a little before watching the other movies. A guy can only take so much of the Force. Actually, I'm not sure I want my kids to see the third movie yet, so we may have to wait a long time. I think it's probably a bit dark for such young minds.

Saturday night, we had a 'Trunk or Treat' at my church. People decorated the trunks of their cars or vans, most brought some kind of a game, and handed out candy to kids as they went around the parking lot. It was so much fun! My oldest decided to bring a toy basketball hoop and ball so everyone could shoot baskets for candy. For some reason, that was a big hit and I had a great time supervising the game. We tied the hoop to the car and let the kids take shots.

And now my kids are loaded up on candy! Number three has very little self control and ended up with a stomach ache last night. Hopefully a few more of those will inspire him to develop some discipline. I have my doubts, but I'll hang onto hope for him. He's a brilliant child, but that intelligence doesn't seem to spill over into common sense sometimes. I guess he takes after his dad.

Star Wars

I have neglected my childrens' education. We watched Star Wars with them this week and it was the first time they had ever seen it. But it's never too late to set things right, so I am making amends for my neglect.

Apparently they've heard about Star Wars quite a bit from friends at school and they knew a lot of the characters' names. They wanted to see Yoda, but I thought we'd better start at the beginning (or in the middle depending on your perspective) and watch the original 1977 film first. Maybe we'll get to Yoda this weekend.

I'm not a big-time Star Wars fan - obviously, since my kids hadn't seen it before this week - but I think the storyline is really good and the movies are classics in their own way. Good vs. evil, the Force, cheesy acting in parts, a fighting corp of Jedi (religionists/philosophers/warriors), some of whom embrace evil, sometimes awkward dialogue, and ultimately redemption. I like the story for its cut and dry distinction between good and evil and I like it for the religious overtones.

Yoda makes the movies great all by himself. Frank Oz's voice coming from a little, green, mystical, mighty, warrior muppet who spouts wisdom and a philosophy of life and warfare that rivals some of the great philosophers of all time. What's not to love?

It has been fun to see my kids get excited about the movies. Running around the house last night with imaginary blasters and light sabers, they did their part to save the galaxy. It reminded me of their play acting after we watched the Tron movies. It's so cute to see them doing the same kinds of things I used to do with my brothers ... inspired by the same movies I watched as a kid.

Aristotle on Friendship

After I finished school a couple years ago, while looking for things to pursue with so much extra time on my hands, I began writing this blog. I also bought some courses on CD to listen to while driving. With extra time and some extra computing power in the brain, I enjoyed using those resources to learn about various topics. I've listened to lectures on philosophy, values (economic/philosophical), C.S. Lewis, Buddhism, etc.

I took a break from listening to them for a few months when life got busy with buying a house, moving, fixing up houses, selling a house, and everything that went with all that. I started listening to one of the philosophy courses again last week and it has been so delightful. I know that makes me weird, but I'm ok with that. I love philosophy. Which is cool because the Greek word philosophy means 'love of wisdom' (philo = love and sophia = wisdom). So I think that means I love the love of wisdom.

Aristotle

Here are some of my thoughts from what I heard during one of the lectures on Aristotle. Aristotle laid out three types of friendships: 1) friendship based on sensual (not necessarily sexual) pleasure; 2) friendship based on utility; and 3) friendship based on virtue. Aristotle is not opposed to friendships of the first two kinds, but he does recognize the transitory nature of such relationships. In the first, when the pleasure dies or becomes stale, the friendship is dissolved. In the second, when either party sees no further use for the other, the relationship is dissolved.

In the last, however, friendship can last as long as both parties strive after virtue. This is a choice and does not have to depend on circumstances outside the control of the participants. In this way, the final form of friendship can potentially last forever. Aristotle calls this kind of friendship 'teleia philia' or completed/perfected friendship. The expression is intended to convey a type of friendship that realizes the highest ideals of human associations, grounded in the end purpose of such relationships - virtue. In this kind of relationship, a person wants for his friend what is best for his friend, not necessarily what is best for himself. The needs of the two friends don't have to be mutually exclusive, but when they do oppose one another, such friends, motivated by pure love for one another, will tend to seek what is best for their friend. This reminded me of the high Christian ideal of charity or Christlike love. It also reminded me of Emmanuel Kant's assertion that the only thing that can be said to be truly good without qualification is a good will.

I thought about these kinds of friendship and came up with a few examples of each from my own life. There are times where I enter into brief relationships with others for the pleasure of having someone to talk to and share ideas. This is pretty rare for me, being a bit of an introvert, but it does happen. Part of my friendship with members of my family derives from physical closeness, cuddling, enjoying a good meal with them, a movie, etc. However, if those relationships were based solely on these physical pleasures, they would be extremely shallow and easily destroyed. Thankfully, there are other foundations for those relationships.

Although my children are occasionally helpful to me, I don't find myself motivated to be friends with them for what they can do for me. With my wife, however, I am very motivated by the mutual benefits we offer one another. We specialize in different areas of domestic life and help one another make a beautiful, comfortable home. Other relationships of mine based on utility are found in business. Though I enjoy talking with colleagues and customers, a significant portion of our relationships are utilitarian. We can help one another achieve things through cooperation and each of us benefits materially from the relationship.

I like to think that in many of my relationships, both business and personal, I am also motivated by a desire for the welfare of the other person. I hope this is true in my marriage if nowhere else. I won't claim special knowledge of this motivation simply because I'm not certain I have fully realized this ideal. But I am convinced it is real and attainable.

I also believe that a good, healthy relationship need not be motivated solely be the last of the three motivators Aristotle describes. A healthy marriage, for example, should be rich in all three bases of friendship. To be strong, the foundation of the relationship should be virtue. But marriage partners should help one another with their various responsibilities and activities (utility), and they should definitely seek to bring pleasure to each other ... probably in that order. Maybe that's what makes marriage so great. It can be the perfect combination of every aspect of friendship. And maybe that's why it can be so painful - when that ideal is not attained.

Emily and I have felt the disappointment of frustrated expectations in marriage, but we've decided to work on it and make our relationship the best we can. And with God's help, it seems to be working. I am happier in my marriage today than I have ever felt in my life and I see the joy it brings when we approach it with the right expectations and attitude. I can't claim we've realized the ideal, but it feels like we're approaching the ideal of teleia philia, a perfected friendship.

Report Cards

My kids got report cards recently. Here are some of the highlights:
 

Child #1, teacher comments: "To say that [your child] and I share a love of reading is an understatement. His craving for the written word is immense. I appreciate that he gives his personal best, is a good role model and friend, and is always using his lifeskills. He is a wonderful addition to [our school], but especially our classroom." Child #1 had a nearly perfect report card.

Child #2 hasn't received a written report card yet, but from what my wife heard at the parent/teacher conference, she should be getting a near perfect report also. She struggled initially with the expectations of a higher quality school, but she seems to be doing really well now. I'm proud of her for working so hard even when it seems so difficult.

Child #3 had a perfect report card except for handwriting. Can't fault him for that; my handwriting is awful. Teacher comments: "[Your child] is a very hard worker who is smart and funny. ... [He] likes to learn new concepts and strives for perfection in math. ... Overall, [he] is a delight! He consistently gives his personal best throughout the day."

Well, this father's heart warmed right up when he read some of those comments. I love my kids and it's great to see them recognized and valued by others. And I'm so happy that they're doing well in school. Education is super important to me and I'm glad they're tasting success in that area of life.