Aristotle on Friendship

After I finished school a couple years ago, while looking for things to pursue with so much extra time on my hands, I began writing this blog. I also bought some courses on CD to listen to while driving. With extra time and some extra computing power in the brain, I enjoyed using those resources to learn about various topics. I've listened to lectures on philosophy, values (economic/philosophical), C.S. Lewis, Buddhism, etc.

I took a break from listening to them for a few months when life got busy with buying a house, moving, fixing up houses, selling a house, and everything that went with all that. I started listening to one of the philosophy courses again last week and it has been so delightful. I know that makes me weird, but I'm ok with that. I love philosophy. Which is cool because the Greek word philosophy means 'love of wisdom' (philo = love and sophia = wisdom). So I think that means I love the love of wisdom.

Aristotle

Here are some of my thoughts from what I heard during one of the lectures on Aristotle. Aristotle laid out three types of friendships: 1) friendship based on sensual (not necessarily sexual) pleasure; 2) friendship based on utility; and 3) friendship based on virtue. Aristotle is not opposed to friendships of the first two kinds, but he does recognize the transitory nature of such relationships. In the first, when the pleasure dies or becomes stale, the friendship is dissolved. In the second, when either party sees no further use for the other, the relationship is dissolved.

In the last, however, friendship can last as long as both parties strive after virtue. This is a choice and does not have to depend on circumstances outside the control of the participants. In this way, the final form of friendship can potentially last forever. Aristotle calls this kind of friendship 'teleia philia' or completed/perfected friendship. The expression is intended to convey a type of friendship that realizes the highest ideals of human associations, grounded in the end purpose of such relationships - virtue. In this kind of relationship, a person wants for his friend what is best for his friend, not necessarily what is best for himself. The needs of the two friends don't have to be mutually exclusive, but when they do oppose one another, such friends, motivated by pure love for one another, will tend to seek what is best for their friend. This reminded me of the high Christian ideal of charity or Christlike love. It also reminded me of Emmanuel Kant's assertion that the only thing that can be said to be truly good without qualification is a good will.

I thought about these kinds of friendship and came up with a few examples of each from my own life. There are times where I enter into brief relationships with others for the pleasure of having someone to talk to and share ideas. This is pretty rare for me, being a bit of an introvert, but it does happen. Part of my friendship with members of my family derives from physical closeness, cuddling, enjoying a good meal with them, a movie, etc. However, if those relationships were based solely on these physical pleasures, they would be extremely shallow and easily destroyed. Thankfully, there are other foundations for those relationships.

Although my children are occasionally helpful to me, I don't find myself motivated to be friends with them for what they can do for me. With my wife, however, I am very motivated by the mutual benefits we offer one another. We specialize in different areas of domestic life and help one another make a beautiful, comfortable home. Other relationships of mine based on utility are found in business. Though I enjoy talking with colleagues and customers, a significant portion of our relationships are utilitarian. We can help one another achieve things through cooperation and each of us benefits materially from the relationship.

I like to think that in many of my relationships, both business and personal, I am also motivated by a desire for the welfare of the other person. I hope this is true in my marriage if nowhere else. I won't claim special knowledge of this motivation simply because I'm not certain I have fully realized this ideal. But I am convinced it is real and attainable.

I also believe that a good, healthy relationship need not be motivated solely be the last of the three motivators Aristotle describes. A healthy marriage, for example, should be rich in all three bases of friendship. To be strong, the foundation of the relationship should be virtue. But marriage partners should help one another with their various responsibilities and activities (utility), and they should definitely seek to bring pleasure to each other ... probably in that order. Maybe that's what makes marriage so great. It can be the perfect combination of every aspect of friendship. And maybe that's why it can be so painful - when that ideal is not attained.

Emily and I have felt the disappointment of frustrated expectations in marriage, but we've decided to work on it and make our relationship the best we can. And with God's help, it seems to be working. I am happier in my marriage today than I have ever felt in my life and I see the joy it brings when we approach it with the right expectations and attitude. I can't claim we've realized the ideal, but it feels like we're approaching the ideal of teleia philia, a perfected friendship.