Consistency and Security

My wife and I have noticed over the years that our children like to push buttons. Not just buttons on remotes, televisions, and kitchen appliances, but buttons on people. My wife and I have several buttons labeled “annoy me”, “make me angry”, and “tickle me” to name a few. Well, actually, I don't have that last one, but my wife does and I still get a kick out of pushing those buttons.

Last night, as I was driving home from work, I was doing some thinking ... and it occurred to me why children do that. Hopefully I can explain it. I think we, as humans, have in our nature a desire for stability and security. We want to understand our environment and come to know what to expect from it. We seek something solid, some anchor on which to rely. When we're young, we're thrust into this world of uncertainty where reality seems to be constantly shifting its demands on us and its reactions to our choices. Parents and family seem to be the initial anchor that children cling to for stability.

In order to feel secure, the children seek to understand these big black boxes called “mom” and “dad” by pushing buttons. They do something to get a reaction. When they push a certain button three or four times and get the same reaction, they have a high degree of confidence in the result should they push that button again. If they push that button and get a different reaction each time, they end up feeling confused and insecure, not understanding the inner workings of that mysterious black box. This leads them to continue to “explore” by pushing the button more and more.

While it may seem like we're doing them a favor by giving in to their whining and demands (or maybe it just requires less energy and becomes a cop-out when we're tired or not in the mood to fight), we're leaving them vulnerable and more likely to repeat that behavior in a seemingly irrational attempt to understand us better. It's not irrational from their point of view, but seems like it from an adult's perspective because we already understand our environment at a certain level while they're still grasping for the basics.

Consistency is SO important in dealing with and disciplining children. Even if it sometimes seems like exceptions should be made (and leniency may be called for, but not outright exceptions, in my opinion), making those exceptions may be detrimental to their well-being, their behavior, and the parent-child relationship. Children need consistency to feel like they know what to expect from you. They need to know what to expect to feel secure in their environment. The need for that security seems to be a fundamental need in human nature … and if they don't get security from you, they'll find it somehow even if it's from an unhealthy source.

I should mention that consistent bad behavior in parents, like those first two buttons I mentioned (anger and annoy), doesn't have the same healthy benefit. In addition to consistency, we may need to re-wire some of our buttons.