A New Path

Imagine you have lived your whole life searching for something. Something magical. A spiritual experience. A connection to something. You’ve had a taste of it now and then. Once in a while, you’re sure you’ve had a rich taste. A taste that goes so deep, it changes your entire perspective on life. It changes you. And you’re so sure of the experiences, that they set you on a path that dramatically alters the way you live your life, influencing everything you do. Creating for you a powerful identity that forms the basis of your thoughts, words, and actions.

But no matter how powerful the taste these experiences give you, it always feels like it’s just a hint of the real thing. Like the real thing might not be accessible, at least not in this life.

Now imagine that your world is turned upside down. And the method by which you were seeking for that spiritual connection is seriously called into question. And you stumble onto something that delivers the spiritual experiences you seek more powerfully and more consistently than ever before. And imagine that instead of feeling like a hint or a shadow of the real thing, this new path you’ve stumbled on seems more real than anything that came before.

What would you do in a situation like that? Would you follow your heart and continue along this new path? Could you abandon what you had known and loved, knowing it would hurt friends and family? That you would lose friendships? That you would be misunderstood? That you would be judged? Or would you stay with what was comfortable and familiar, knowing that your heart wasn't quite in line with it anymore?

I found myself in this position a few years ago. And as my journey unfolded, for me, the choice was clear. Although it would be painful, I knew I had to follow my heart. I didn't feel like I could do otherwise and maintain my integrity.

I was raised in the LDS Church. From the time I was young, I had had a number of powerful experiences that seemed to point to the possibility that the LDS Church was the true church of God on the earth. And that through its teachings, priesthood authority, and ordinances, I could draw nearer to God than by any other method. The logical chain ran on to many other beliefs that shaped my worldview, but I think that’s the core of it. The LDS Church was it. I had found the pinnacle of religion and spirituality. All that remained was for me to stay on the path and become the man God wanted me to be.

And I was on that path for several decades. I served a full-time, 2-year mission for my church. I was married in an LDS temple. My wife and I started a family, trying our best to teach our children to live by the principles that were taught by the church through its scriptures, leaders, and most importantly, through what we called the Spirit of God – a direct connection to God from which we could receive inspiration.

I served in many different volunteer positions in the church. I lived my life according to the church’s teachings the best I knew how. And I was consistently striving to better understand those teachings and underlying principles so I could become more and more the man I believed God wanted me to be.

Then I entered a period of darkness that refused to be dissipated by the teachings and principles of my church. And I stumbled onto some teachings from eastern traditions that led me to a powerful practice of meditation that turned my entire world upside down. This practice rapidly dissipated the darkness, bringing a powerful sense of light and peace into my life that rivaled anything I had experienced previously.

I began to experience a connection with something that felt very familiar. Previously, I would have called it the Spirit of God. But these connections weren’t precipitated by prayer, scripture study, ordinances, or anything directly related to an external Deity. At least, not that I could tell. They were precipitated by meditation and a series of teachings, independent of God, that I gradually internalized, leading me to let go of all judgment, clinging, aversion, self-loathing, and a whole host of other unhealthy thoughts and emotions. The experiences were completely self-driven. No reference to God. No calling upon Him for Grace. Just a simple looking inward and a consistent, powerful healing process. And, independent of God, these experiences were more powerful and consistent than anything I had ever experienced during those many years where I was directly calling upon God.

How was it possible to have deeper spiritual experiences outside the church than I had ever had in decades of searching for them inside? Was it possible that I was using the wrong method? I can’t adequately describe the torturous path I embarked on as I began to question my deepest, most cherished beliefs. But as I began to truly open my mind to the possibility that the church was not the right path for me, the light began to pour into my soul even more. If there is a God, I must conclude that He led me away from the faith of my childhood.

But why? The short answer is: I have no idea. And I’m not sure it matters. What I do know is that the path I’m on is good. But my experience has taught me that I don’t need to cling to it. Maybe my path will change again. I would be fine with that. I’ll follow wherever the light leads.

I appreciate my religious background. The LDS Church is a really good organization. It helped prepare me to live a good life and to embark on this new stage in my journey. I have no bad feelings about my past. Some things could have been better. Some ideas that were pounded into my head as a child might not have been the healthiest. But that accusation could be brought against my scholastic education as well as my religious education. That’s just life. Everyone was trying their best to help me along the way. It wasn’t perfect? Bummer. As my perspective broadens, I shed the unhealthy over time. No big deal.

I have no idea where my path will lead. But I am grateful for my past and my present. I think the future will be wonderful too. I have many friends and family whose faith still lies with the church I left. For them, I’ll offer up the possibility that my future will bring me back to the church. I personally don’t think that’s likely, but … if the church is what it claims to be, I’m sure the light will lead me back. Maybe God just wanted to take me on a different path for a while to teach me some things He couldn’t teach me in any other way. And when I’m done, I’ll find my way back.

But maybe I’ve simply found something better. At least for me. For right now. By soaking in the concepts and practices of eastern traditions, I think I’m becoming a more well-rounded man with a broader, more open, more inclusive perspective than I had before. I was raised in a very western culture. Balancing that with a bit of the east has been really good for me. I don’t think either culture has all the answers. But as the concept of yin and yang shows how to bring together what seem to be complete opposites, perhaps the way to peace is to raise our perspective, to see the unity among what appears to be dichotomy, and to find light and joy amidst the chaos.

Books on Meditation

In my initial post about my spiritual transition, I described a set of books that helped me explore Buddhist and other forms of meditation. I thought it would be helpful to share a little about those books to help others better understand my journey. I found each book useful, but some spoke so profoundly to me that I have returned to them often. I will probably return to all of them at some point to see what they can offer me as time goes by.

The first book I was introduced to is called The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. Before purchasing it, I read some of the reviews. Most were positive, but one critical review caught my attention. The reviewer was respectful, but took issue with the lack of citations in the book. He then offered a list of books that he felt covered similar material, but properly gave credit to other works, some of them quite old. I looked at each one of those books, read reviews, and decided to just buy them all. So that became my list of books to explore during some time off work. And while the books themselves didn't exactly launch me on my journey, they became an important catalyst for helping me explore what has become for me the most important spiritual practice I have ever tried: meditation.

Here's the list:

1. The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle
2. Wherever You Go, There You Are by Jon Kabat-Zinn
3. Mindfulness in Plain English by Bhante Henepola Gunaratana
4. A Path With Heart by Jack Kornfield
5. Wake Up Now by Stephan Bodian
6. The Method of No-Method by Sheng Yen
7. Hardcore Zen: Punk Rock, Monster Movies and the Truth about Reality by Brad Warner

I also added another book to the list based on some unrelated searching I had done previously: The Gifts of Imperfection by Brené Brown. This last book was really good for me. While it's somewhat related to the other books listed here, it's also a bit different, so I won't spend time talking about it. I wrote about it previously and you can read that post here.

I have since purchased a few other similar works including:

1. A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle
2. The Art of Forgiveness, Lovingkindness, and Peace by Jack Kornfield
3. A Comprehensive Manual of Abhidhamma edited by Bhikkhu Bodhi

I really like Eckhart's teaching style. I found reading and listening to him to be very refreshing. He has a simple, but beautiful view of life and offers an integrated view of religion and our relationship to the universe that is very open and accepting. Many of his insights rang true and through him, I began to see more clearly how my upbringing had led me to strengthen my individual ego and develop a sense of collective ego through association with my family, my church, my career, my nation, etc. I have really appreciated reading his words and entering into his view of the universe. I have returned to his writings and a couple of his speeches several times in recent years.

Of the books I listed, the one that spoke to me the most profoundly was A Path With Heart by Jack Kornfield. I found myself working very slowly through that book. Each chapter required a great deal of thought and I found myself stopping multiple times in a single chapter to think and meditate. Sometimes I was simply practicing what I was learning. Sometimes I just needed to let something he said settle in my soul. Working through the entire book was a very slow process that took me many months. Since that initial reading, I have returned to his book many times for insight, clarity, and a reminder to live life fully, in each moment. I can't capture the essence of what I learned from that book in a short paragraph. But that book alone has dramatically changed the way I see the world. And I am a better man for having found it.

I enjoyed the other books on the list, but I worked through them rapidly, trying to capture the essence of the new paradigm they all seemed to be offering as quickly as I could. With each new insight, I found this new perspective calling to me more and more and I was impatient to imbibe it completely. Recently, I have come back to the book Wherever You Go, There You Are and, working through it slowly, I am finding a lot of great insight (and reminders) that I probably missed the first time through. This has led me to believe that the other books could probably speak to me more profoundly if I give their messages some time to settle in my soul.

I hope some of you will find this list helpful. I know my spiritual transition has been hard on many of my friends and family. To really understand what's in my mind and heart, the best method I know is to talk to me. I'm grateful that I have had two LDS friends who have taken the time within the last year to understand me better. Those two are good men with open minds who, I think, showed a great deal of courage to get to know me in a deeper way. But for most people, that kind of dialog is probably not possible, whether for logistical or other reasons. So perhaps this list of books can offer an easier alternative. Reading them won't tell you exactly what I think, but it may give you insight into an important part of my journey.

If you decide to try these, I would recommend starting with Eckhart Tolle's books. Not because they're the best reflections of my current beliefs and practices, but because, of the books that have had a big impact on me, they're probably the easiest to digest. Then I would suggest A Path With Heart, which may be harder to digest, but is probably a little closer to my heart.

Regardless of what you choose, whether you explore these books, try meditation, or stick with what you've got, I wish you well on your own personal journey. And if you have questions about my journey, please ask. I would be happy to share what I have learned along the way and hear about your experiences too.

Becoming One

Almost a year ago, I wrote about a spiritual transition I went through recently. In that post, I described some of my spiritual experiences that had led me to that transition. I have wanted to write more about those experiences, but it has been difficult for two reasons:

1. Life has been very busy, like always.
2. Describing these experiences with words is very challenging.

Both of those reasons still hold, but I had some experiences recently that I've taken the time to capture and would like to share.

A few weeks ago, I found a teacher who has given me something to consider … or maybe reconsider. His name is Osho and he was an Indian teacher who spoke in the vein of various eastern spiritual traditions. I came across him in the context of Taoism. One of the things he said really struck me. He said that each of us is a multitude of personalities, more like a crowd than an authentic individual. And at any given time, we are liable to have one of those aspects of ourselves assert itself, and a part of us that should be our servant temporarily becomes our master. It occurred to me that this state might be said to be the essence of unconsciousness as spoken of in eastern spiritual traditions. I think many of us live unconsciously like this for most of our lives.

Osho

In this same address, Osho spoke of our deep-seated loneliness. This is an aspect of life that I’ve become pretty familiar with, but it was strange to hear a teacher of eastern philosophy speak about it like he did. As I thought about what he said, I focused my attention on my own loneliness and realized that it is a part of me that, sometimes hidden deeply, occasionally drives me to unhealthy thought patterns and behaviors. But as I focused on it, without wishing it away or judging it as undesirable, I experienced a slight welling up of joy from somewhere deep inside.

That seems kind of weird, right? Finding joy in loneliness? But oddly enough, I didn't find it as surprising as I would have a few years ago. In fact, this experience seemed very familiar to me. It felt much like some of the experiences I had shortly after I began meditating. At that time, it felt like a whole new world was opening up to me. A world that prior spiritual experiences had hinted at and given me glimpses of. But through meditation, I was stepping into it more fully than I had ever done before. And through this more recent experience a few weeks ago, I came to see that I have been missing something lately. In recent months, I have allowed the stresses of life to lull me back into a state of unconsciousness. The awakening I experienced a couple of years ago was fantastic and I think I am better off now than I was before I began this journey. But I have certainly lost something compared to what I had shortly after I began meditating.

So, encouraged by the result of giving attention to my loneliness, I continued to examine it. I dredged it up. I watched it unfold and blossom inside of me. I watched it with no aversion and no judgment. I just observed. And by piercing the cloud inside with what I have sometimes heard described as “the light of my awareness,” I found the loneliness became a bit less menacing, a bit more familiar, and a bit less powerful. It was almost like I was looking at an illusion and, powered by my attention, the illusion could no longer hold its form and began to dissolve.

I then spent time doing this with other emotions. Fear. Anxiety. Insecurity. Shame. Regret. Anger. All of these have some place in me and each dredged up memories that were uncomfortable and imagined situations that were equally undesirable. But as I faced them squarely, without wishing them away, I sensed a deepening of that small wellspring of joy inside, and each of them seemed to loosen its hold just a little.

It does seem a bit counter-intuitive that I found joy in focusing on the negative aspects of myself. But it was oddly liberating and somehow brought me increased light, joy, and peace. And since then, I've continued. And I can tell that my patience with myself and others has deepened once again. So now it seems I have an odd, new pastime – to focus on the negative inside of me. And to enjoy observing it deeply and dispassionately, without judgment or aversion.

I think that maybe that’s what Osho was encouraging when he spoke about loneliness. Yes, we are alone. Deeply alone. No one and nothing can ever truly touch us. As Joseph Conrad so poignantly wrote, “We live, as we dream – alone …” And yet, as we move past the illusion of what we think we are, we may find that we are deeply connected to everyone and everything. And loneliness will be revealed as the ultimate illusion. I don’t know that that’s true, but it seems right.

So it looks like I’m on a new stage of my journey. I feel like the objective of my current spiritual practice is to bring a greater awareness into my life. Perhaps, as Osho suggested, this will help to bring about a unification of my many little selves into one, with that one, my true self, the unnameable essence of who I am, as the master. And from a deep place of authentic being, I believe I can more readily bring light to the world and encourage others to do the same. Not by anything I say. But just by being who I am.

Fat Women

I read an article last week that got me thinking about the way our society views women. It's a rather raw, uncensored view from a woman who experienced a change in the way men viewed and interacted with her as she went through a change in her body shape. It was really well-written, but the language and themes were a bit harsh. Given my style is seriously muted in comparison, I was tempted not to link to it, but that didn't seem fair, so ... here you go.

And for the rest of you, here's my sanitized summary of the article and my thoughts on it. The author had gotten a parasite in her intestinal tract. It took a week or two before a doctor finally diagnosed her problem correctly. After vomiting for several weeks, her previously well-rounded body withered and she became pretty skinny. It was interesting to read her description of the increased attention she received from men after her massive weight loss. Equally interesting was the reduced attention she saw many months later as she slowly rounded out again. She posted plenty of pictures of herself, both skinny and large. I didn't see her as fat, but there was definitely a strong contrast between the two sizes. To me, she looked beautiful in both forms.

The drop-off in attention she reported was a bit sad, but predictable. I tend to think that American men's preference for skinny women is not completely biological. I think it's largely psychological and cultural. And I think it's unfortunate. But I also thought it was sad the way the author seemed to think that her skinny figure was somehow less than ideal. She spoke of looking like a child and thinking it strange that men found that attractive. She used stronger language than that, but you get the idea.

I have noticed a trend of women fighting back against society's emphasis on the ideal, thin figure of a woman. And I think that's mostly a healthy thing. But I think, in their rebellion, some women, thinking to have freed themselves, have continued their enslavement to the culture by allowing it to continue to dictate to them the battle lines. They may have switched sides, but they're still perpetuating the war. It's thin vs. fat. And if you disagree with society's fixation on skinny women, then you take the side of the fat women. But mocking the thin form won't help us win the war.

My wife, Emily, was an extremely skinny teenager. When we married, she was still incredibly thin. I was attracted to her, but even at that time, I remember thinking it wouldn't be a terrible thing for her to add a little weight. Since then, she and I have both gone through some weight fluctuations. After marriage, I gained about 60 pounds and later took most of it off. That's an interesting story too, but I'm focused on women's shapes here, so I'll summarize my experience by saying that Emily loved me when I was thin and she loved me when I got a little fatter. And that steadiness of support was really wonderful.

Emily has gone through some weight fluctuations too, but a little less drastic than mine. And those changes have been challenging for her psychologically. But the way her body has fleshed out in recent years makes her, in my view, incredibly beautiful. She was beautiful when she was thin. And she is beautiful now that she has more curves. She has a desire to lose a little weight. She's not too fat, in my opinion, but losing a few pounds would probably be a healthy thing to do. And I support her in that. She has made a little progress in the last few weeks and, as she succeeds, I will miss the extra curves a little. But she'll be beautiful in her new form too.

Thin vs. fat. This war, one of many, seems to be quietly raging in our society. But maybe the war is just stupid. And maybe the only way to win the war is not to fight it. Instead of fighting with each other over which modality is preferable, maybe we can change the way we see women on a fundamental level. Maybe we can begin to see them as just ... women. Just beautiful. And maybe, if we can do that, we can begin to raise our young women to be confident and happy in their skin. No matter what body shape they may have. Thinking of my own daughters, that seems like a really cool gift to give to our beautiful young girls.

My Spiritual Journey

I have been a Mormon all my life. Being a member of the LDS church has been great for me. It has given me a set of morals and values and a community of good people to identify with, to associate with, and to look to for examples of how to live a good life.

In the last two or three years, I have begun to distance myself from the church and, though my transition has been very obvious to people close to our family and many people have been concerned about what they perceive to be my falling away from the truth, I have had very few conversations with others about what this journey has meant to me. I think this is due, in some part, to people trying to give me space, which I appreciate. But I also think there is some fear associated with a transition that seems incomprehensible to the faithful. For my part, I find it difficult to initiate a conversation that might seem like an attack on someone else's faith. Partly to help overcome those barriers to communication, this post is my initial attempt to document my recent journey to share with those who haven't asked, to inform those who didn't know there was anything to ask, and to solidify my own thinking about what this journey has meant to me.

About eight or ten years ago, I went through a period of deep questioning that shook the foundation of my faith. Ultimately, I largely came back to the Mormon faith, but with a more open mind and what I considered to be a more pure faith, less cluttered with prejudices and traditions, and more founded on raw spiritual power.

Two or three years ago, I found myself questioning even more deeply than before, something I hadn't thought possible. This most recent spiritual crisis stemmed, at least in part, from a very challenging time at work, a very stressful situation in my church calling, and some challenging things going on in my family, particularly in the lives of three of my children. It was a very dark time, something I have come to believe is a necessary part of life, as these dark times often serve as catalysts for new awakening, enlightenment, greater understanding, empathy, etc.

Introduction to Meditation

I was eventually able to secure a change in my work environment within the same company and, to help me reset from the stress of what I had been experiencing, I took a month off work. As I was on my way out, I was introduced to a book that sparked a deeper interest in Buddhism. I am not a Buddhist and don't imagine I ever will be, but I have had an interest in that religion for some time and, during my month off, I dove into a set of books on Buddhist and other forms of meditation. I spent hours practicing what I was learning and, in meditation, I found peace and solace like I had never before experienced. Though I have always been a Christian, I suppose I had never really experienced what Paul describes as "the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding" (Philippians 4:7) until I was instructed by principles of Buddhism and related disciplines.

Prior Spiritual Experiences

I don't want to minimize the impact of my religious upbringing. At various times in my life, I have felt a deep sense of peace and spiritual enlightenment. Beginning with my teenage years, I had several spiritual experiences that I interpreted as evidence the Mormon church was true because church youth activities served as catalysts for them. One such experience was extremely powerful and the feeling of peace and balance that came stayed with me for months. But even as it faded, I was able, for a very long time, to call it back by simply quieting my mind. But eventually the stresses of life seemed to crowd out my ability to do that ... until recently.

More on Meditation

The deep peace I began to find in meditation was only a part of the transformational power I experienced during that time. Through meditation, I began to develop a deeper understanding of myself and began to extend forgiveness and compassion to myself on a very deep level, a level so deep I had never been consciously aware of it before. I began to let go of past events that had colored my worldview and had developed inside of me some automatic, unhealthy responses to various stimuli, though prior to meditation I hadn't even been aware of such connections. I began to give myself therapy that seemed to me infinitely more effective than anything a licensed therapist could ever do for me.

I also slowly became more aware of connections outside myself. Over time, I felt like my mind became sharper and I could see more clearly why things happened in the physical world as well as connections and causal relationships in the social/psychological world. I began, in many different ways, to experience what I believe ancient eastern traditions term "enlightenment." I was becoming more awake. 

All of this was wonderful, but, considering the darkness I had been experiencing previously, and the bursting forth of light in my new spiritual practice, my questioning of my own faith became more urgent. By clinging to the faith I had inherited, I seemed to only be delving deeper into darkness. The light only came by letting go. I have had a difficult time explaining that phenomenon intellectually, but here's my best attempt based on my current knowledge.

As a Mormon, I had been taught, among other things, to view the world through the paradigm of good vs. evil, that a battle was being waged for the souls of men, and that through diligent effort and relying on the grace of Christ, I could overcome evil, both within and without. This worldview involved kindness and mercy, but also sin, judgment, and guilt. The former ideas were great, but the fruits of the latter including judgment and condemnation, a constant war with evil, and a set of expectations based on duty to God, which led to an ever-present internal pressure to work and keep up (a feeling familiar to many Mormons), seemed to solidify the darkness in my life.

When I began to let go of my old worldview and, as Buddhism and other eastern traditions encouraged, to let go of ... well, everything, I found the peace and other blessings that Christianity promised, but that I was rarely able to fully realize as a practicing Christian. Peace. Understanding. Enlightenment. Joy. But most of all, peace was what I had been craving.

What About Mormonism

So what about all the spiritual experiences I had had as a Mormon? The more I thought about my past and the conditions in place when I felt spiritually uplifted, the more I realized they were all related to surrender, to letting go. Although I took them as evidence the Mormon church was true, I rarely had such experiences in the church's official services. It was much more common for me to have spiritual experiences on my own or in unconventional settings. 

I usually felt good in church, but not necessarily spiritually enlightened. It was just as common for me to feel like I was falling short, an unfortunate side effect of a culture focused on very high ideals. As I've recently created many powerful spiritual experiences on my own, while distancing myself from the church and its doctrines, I have begun to believe the church is not an essential part of my spirituality. None of what I have experienced proves the church isn't what it claims to be (God's true church on earth), but perhaps you, dear reader, can begin to see why I have come to believe that it isn't.

My Circumstances Begin to Change

Right around the time I took up meditation, I began to see changes in my outer life. Recall the three areas of stress I described before. Here's a little bit of what happened. 

Change at Church
When I went back to work after my month off, I maintained my practice of meditation and continued to heal and grow spiritually. About this same time, I was released from my church calling. I had been hanging onto it for the sake of my oldest son and the young people I was working with, but when I was forced to let go, the stress of that situation dissipated quickly. Though I was offered another calling, I declined and my departure from the church became more certain.

Change at Home
The stresses of my family life involve the private lives of others, so I won't share a lot of detail, but as I became more at peace with myself, extending compassion and forgiveness to myself, I found the power to be equally compassionate, loving, and forgiving of my family members. I believe it is that love, more than anything else, that has helped my children work through their challenges. It has been a couple of years in the making, but it seems to me our children are more balanced and happy than they have ever been and our family dynamics are approaching the kind of model I dreamed I could have as a teenager, but eventually gave up on as an adult as it began to seem impossible to attain. As I type this, my children are having a heated argument over something ridiculous, which helps me remember not to take my dreams, or anything else, too seriously. But the truth is, my family is much happier now than we were just a couple of years ago.

Change at Work
At work, my new environment was great, but as it was the same employer, I found myself unable to completely remove myself from the influence of my old group and eventually, things became challenging in familiar ways. This led me, about a year ago, to accept a new job with a small company in town and it has been wonderful. The culture of my new company has been very refreshing and, while the job has had its moments of stress and frustration, those times have been few and I've found a lot of joy in focusing almost completely on technical work instead of managing projects and personnel, which is where my career had been trending at my previous job for many years. I have been reminded why I majored in engineering. And I've been reminded that I'm quite good at it as I've tackled new and challenging projects and have done very well with them. It has been good for my confidence. 

Letting Go

So shortly after I began to let go of many things, including my religion, I began to find peace in the three major stress areas of my life. I believe the changes in my physical circumstances are, in many ways, due to my new spiritual direction, though the external changes have taken some time to develop. But even more wonderful than the external changes is the healing I have experienced inside. I think that healing is the strongest evidence that I'm doing what I need to do for my spiritual welfare at this time.

Summary

So what does all of this mean for me, my family, and my relationship with the church? Strangely enough, not much. In my daily conduct, I act very much like I always have, in private and in public, though perhaps with a bit more patience and kindness than before. But some things have changed. The most visible change is my lack of connection with the church. As the church's doctrines and services are based on the good/evil paradigm I described above, I feel like they are unhealthy for me right now. So while I respect the church and what it does, I don't attend its services regularly. I do sometimes attend to support my family and I enjoy seeing friends when I'm there, but I prefer to seek spiritual experiences in other ways.

In general, my family is still pretty involved in church activities. And mostly, I think that's good. The Mormon church is a wonderful organization that does a lot of good for its members and the rest of the world. My own membership in the church has done a great deal of good for me and I owe much of what I am today to its influence. The ward (congregation) we currently attend is one of the best I've ever seen and I'm hopeful the church will continue to be a good influence on my children.

This most recent phase of my spiritual journey has been interesting and not at all what I expected. But it has been good for me. Where will my spiritual path lead next? I don't know, but I'm not worried. I'm sure whatever comes will be great. That's a strange attitude for a personality like mine, but I have recently come to see the power of surrender and it has changed me. I am happier letting go of my need to understand and control.

Although I am happy with recent developments, I am sure my departure from the church will be disappointing, even heartbreaking, to some of my family and Mormon friends. To them, I would say, "have faith." I am happier and more peaceful than I have ever been in my life; I hope that will give some comfort. And if the truth of God does lie with the Mormon church, as the church claims, then I'm confident I will find it. I have, for many years, been a seeker of truth. And I still am. I will keep an open mind. I encourage you to do the same.

Daddy/Daughter Dance

A couple weeks ago, my youngest and I went on a date. Our church put on a daddy/daughter dance for the young girls and it was so much fun!

She wanted to dance the entire time. I hadn't danced that much in years, so by the time we were done, I was pretty worn out. But it was a lot of fun. And seeing how happy she was made it so worth it.

Lila

I recently posted about a book called Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance by Robert M. Pirsig. I loved it. So I immediately started reading the author's next book called Lila. I finished it the night before last. The big downer in all this is that the author only wrote two books and I want to read more of his thoughts.

In Lila, the author starts out by attempting to do something that initially seemed very foolish to me. He decided to try to create a full Metaphysics of what he talked about in his first book, his concept of Quality. It seemed foolish because Quality was something he couldn't define and seemed diametrically opposed to any kind of dialectic analysis. It seems closer to ideas in eastern philosophy such as the concept of Tao, Buddha, Chi, etc. These concepts appear to be beyond the intellectual realm and so they cannot be directly understood by the mind and are not subject to the tools of intellectual analysis.

But as I dove into the book, I began to change my mind. The author was offering an intellectual analysis of something about which you can't properly intellectualize, but I began to feel that for those of us who are stuck in the intellectual world of western philosophy and science, his analysis may be an excellent way to bridge the gap. 

Although he offers some development of his thoughts, at one point, he just springs on us his fully developed metaphysical structure of Quality and claims that it is exhaustive and complete. I found this slightly annoying at first, but as the book progressed, he offered an impressive number of examples of how this metaphysics, or view of reality, offered a clearer picture and resolved issues and concerns that the classic western view tends to obscure. It was like he was saying, "I stumbled across this pair of glasses as I was wandering and I found they really cleared up my vision. Here, try them on!" And then he proceeds to show the reader just how much more clearly they can see with this new model of reality. 

His Metaphysics says that reality derives from Quality. Other words for Quality might work equally well: the One, the Tao, Virtue, Excellence, Value, the Good. This Quality may be subdivided into two aspects: Dynamic and Static. The dynamic is what eastern traditions such as Taoism, Buddhism, Hinduism, etc strive for, eliminating the individual's dependence on static patterns.

But static patterns derive from Quality too. And so he further subdivides static Quality into inorganic, biological, social, and intellectual. This is the division for which the author offers no prior development, but the more I've thought about his structure and have applied it to issues I've been thinking about, the more sense it makes to me. If there are flaws in the structure, I don't see them yet. And I'm learning a lot by wearing the glasses he offered me.

I have no sure method for finding truth, but certain principles help me recognize truth when I see it. The most important idea at work here is whether the puzzle of life fits neatly together given the view of reality you subscribe to. Does your metaphysics explain what you see or does it leave a lot of things unresolved? Does it complete the puzzle or are there a lot of pieces left out? If one pair of glasses offers a more complete explanation than another, I'll keep wearing them. So far, this new metaphysics seems to be working for me. It certainly seems to offer a more complete understanding than the Aristotelean scientific model I grew up with. 

In some ways, the book reminded me of C.S. Lewis' "The Abolition of Man". In that book, Lewis claims we are composed of three things: mind, heart, and belly. You might think of the mind as intellectual, the heart as emotional, and the belly as basic biological drives such as hunger and lust. Lewis claims the intellectual can directly influence the emotional, but not the biological. Only the emotional can control and direct the biological. But our modern intellectual world has waged war on the emotions and has extracted the heart or chest of man, allowing his biological impulses to rage without restraint, and ultimately threatening, in the extreme application of this modern intellectual model, to exterminate or abolish the essence of what makes us men, leaving us slaves to our biological impulses.

Pirsig claims that we are evolutionary creatures composed of four levels of evolution, namely inorganic (matter and energy that obey fundamental physical laws), organic (corresponding to Lewis' 'belly'), social (somewhat similar to Lewis' 'heart'), and intellectual (obviously the same idea as Lewis' 'mind'). He likewise claims that the intellectual, by attempting to solidify its own supremacy, has waged war on society by stripping it of its moral foundation. But society, as a prior evolutionary level, is the foundation on which intellect stands. If society's moral foundation is destroyed, there will be no restraint on biological forces because the intellect will be unable to directly restrain those forces. This, he claims, is one reason for the increase in crime in recent history.

Pirsig spends a lot of time on his divisions of Static Quality and that's what I've spent a lot of time thinking about as I've been reading. But near the end of the book, he comes full circle back to Dynamic Quality, which is the creative force behind the static patterns. Thus, this Dynamic is the supreme Quality. Anything that attempts to place the static patterns above the Dynamic is immoral. So ultimately, we come back to eastern traditions that set aside the static in favor of the dynamic. And although I see great value in his Metaphysics, in the end, developing the metaphysics does almost seem like a pointless exercise. You can't really describe Quality by means of a dialectic analysis because it is beyond the mind. It is at the front edge of experience; before the mind has a chance to fasten on anything, Dynamic Quality has come and gone.

As I've pondered on this idea of Quality, it occurs to me that what is needed in my life is less analysis and more living ... simply living. What I need is to allow the various aspects of my static structure to fall in line with the Dynamic life-giving force to bring about a unity of soul. The biological transcends yet relies on the inorganic patterns of matter and energy and harnesses their power to achieve its own ends. The social transcends yet relies on the organic, biological patterns and harnesses its power to achieve its own ends. And the intellectual transcends yet relies on the social patterns and harnesses its power to achieve its own ends. But ultimately, all is dominated and transcended by a Dynamic element that is not bound by any of these. As we unite with this Dynamic force, perhaps the various static patterns, connected serially to one another, will naturally fall in line like links in a chain as you grasp the chain from the top and shake.

I believe what I am seeking is a union of soul with the universe. This union is not something I understand intellectually and I can't explain it in words, but I feel a compulsion to find this Quality and unite with it. I think the key for me is meditation and quietly putting aside pre-conceived notions of reality so that I can experience reality directly as it unfolds from its source. May I find that Quality and may it fill me.