Books on Meditation

In my initial post about my spiritual transition, I described a set of books that helped me explore Buddhist and other forms of meditation. I thought it would be helpful to share a little about those books to help others better understand my journey. I found each book useful, but some spoke so profoundly to me that I have returned to them often. I will probably return to all of them at some point to see what they can offer me as time goes by.

The first book I was introduced to is called The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. Before purchasing it, I read some of the reviews. Most were positive, but one critical review caught my attention. The reviewer was respectful, but took issue with the lack of citations in the book. He then offered a list of books that he felt covered similar material, but properly gave credit to other works, some of them quite old. I looked at each one of those books, read reviews, and decided to just buy them all. So that became my list of books to explore during some time off work. And while the books themselves didn't exactly launch me on my journey, they became an important catalyst for helping me explore what has become for me the most important spiritual practice I have ever tried: meditation.

Here's the list:

1. The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle
2. Wherever You Go, There You Are by Jon Kabat-Zinn
3. Mindfulness in Plain English by Bhante Henepola Gunaratana
4. A Path With Heart by Jack Kornfield
5. Wake Up Now by Stephan Bodian
6. The Method of No-Method by Sheng Yen
7. Hardcore Zen: Punk Rock, Monster Movies and the Truth about Reality by Brad Warner

I also added another book to the list based on some unrelated searching I had done previously: The Gifts of Imperfection by Brené Brown. This last book was really good for me. While it's somewhat related to the other books listed here, it's also a bit different, so I won't spend time talking about it. I wrote about it previously and you can read that post here.

I have since purchased a few other similar works including:

1. A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle
2. The Art of Forgiveness, Lovingkindness, and Peace by Jack Kornfield
3. A Comprehensive Manual of Abhidhamma edited by Bhikkhu Bodhi

I really like Eckhart's teaching style. I found reading and listening to him to be very refreshing. He has a simple, but beautiful view of life and offers an integrated view of religion and our relationship to the universe that is very open and accepting. Many of his insights rang true and through him, I began to see more clearly how my upbringing had led me to strengthen my individual ego and develop a sense of collective ego through association with my family, my church, my career, my nation, etc. I have really appreciated reading his words and entering into his view of the universe. I have returned to his writings and a couple of his speeches several times in recent years.

Of the books I listed, the one that spoke to me the most profoundly was A Path With Heart by Jack Kornfield. I found myself working very slowly through that book. Each chapter required a great deal of thought and I found myself stopping multiple times in a single chapter to think and meditate. Sometimes I was simply practicing what I was learning. Sometimes I just needed to let something he said settle in my soul. Working through the entire book was a very slow process that took me many months. Since that initial reading, I have returned to his book many times for insight, clarity, and a reminder to live life fully, in each moment. I can't capture the essence of what I learned from that book in a short paragraph. But that book alone has dramatically changed the way I see the world. And I am a better man for having found it.

I enjoyed the other books on the list, but I worked through them rapidly, trying to capture the essence of the new paradigm they all seemed to be offering as quickly as I could. With each new insight, I found this new perspective calling to me more and more and I was impatient to imbibe it completely. Recently, I have come back to the book Wherever You Go, There You Are and, working through it slowly, I am finding a lot of great insight (and reminders) that I probably missed the first time through. This has led me to believe that the other books could probably speak to me more profoundly if I give their messages some time to settle in my soul.

I hope some of you will find this list helpful. I know my spiritual transition has been hard on many of my friends and family. To really understand what's in my mind and heart, the best method I know is to talk to me. I'm grateful that I have had two LDS friends who have taken the time within the last year to understand me better. Those two are good men with open minds who, I think, showed a great deal of courage to get to know me in a deeper way. But for most people, that kind of dialog is probably not possible, whether for logistical or other reasons. So perhaps this list of books can offer an easier alternative. Reading them won't tell you exactly what I think, but it may give you insight into an important part of my journey.

If you decide to try these, I would recommend starting with Eckhart Tolle's books. Not because they're the best reflections of my current beliefs and practices, but because, of the books that have had a big impact on me, they're probably the easiest to digest. Then I would suggest A Path With Heart, which may be harder to digest, but is probably a little closer to my heart.

Regardless of what you choose, whether you explore these books, try meditation, or stick with what you've got, I wish you well on your own personal journey. And if you have questions about my journey, please ask. I would be happy to share what I have learned along the way and hear about your experiences too.

Becoming One

Almost a year ago, I wrote about a spiritual transition I went through recently. In that post, I described some of my spiritual experiences that had led me to that transition. I have wanted to write more about those experiences, but it has been difficult for two reasons:

1. Life has been very busy, like always.
2. Describing these experiences with words is very challenging.

Both of those reasons still hold, but I had some experiences recently that I've taken the time to capture and would like to share.

A few weeks ago, I found a teacher who has given me something to consider … or maybe reconsider. His name is Osho and he was an Indian teacher who spoke in the vein of various eastern spiritual traditions. I came across him in the context of Taoism. One of the things he said really struck me. He said that each of us is a multitude of personalities, more like a crowd than an authentic individual. And at any given time, we are liable to have one of those aspects of ourselves assert itself, and a part of us that should be our servant temporarily becomes our master. It occurred to me that this state might be said to be the essence of unconsciousness as spoken of in eastern spiritual traditions. I think many of us live unconsciously like this for most of our lives.

Osho

In this same address, Osho spoke of our deep-seated loneliness. This is an aspect of life that I’ve become pretty familiar with, but it was strange to hear a teacher of eastern philosophy speak about it like he did. As I thought about what he said, I focused my attention on my own loneliness and realized that it is a part of me that, sometimes hidden deeply, occasionally drives me to unhealthy thought patterns and behaviors. But as I focused on it, without wishing it away or judging it as undesirable, I experienced a slight welling up of joy from somewhere deep inside.

That seems kind of weird, right? Finding joy in loneliness? But oddly enough, I didn't find it as surprising as I would have a few years ago. In fact, this experience seemed very familiar to me. It felt much like some of the experiences I had shortly after I began meditating. At that time, it felt like a whole new world was opening up to me. A world that prior spiritual experiences had hinted at and given me glimpses of. But through meditation, I was stepping into it more fully than I had ever done before. And through this more recent experience a few weeks ago, I came to see that I have been missing something lately. In recent months, I have allowed the stresses of life to lull me back into a state of unconsciousness. The awakening I experienced a couple of years ago was fantastic and I think I am better off now than I was before I began this journey. But I have certainly lost something compared to what I had shortly after I began meditating.

So, encouraged by the result of giving attention to my loneliness, I continued to examine it. I dredged it up. I watched it unfold and blossom inside of me. I watched it with no aversion and no judgment. I just observed. And by piercing the cloud inside with what I have sometimes heard described as “the light of my awareness,” I found the loneliness became a bit less menacing, a bit more familiar, and a bit less powerful. It was almost like I was looking at an illusion and, powered by my attention, the illusion could no longer hold its form and began to dissolve.

I then spent time doing this with other emotions. Fear. Anxiety. Insecurity. Shame. Regret. Anger. All of these have some place in me and each dredged up memories that were uncomfortable and imagined situations that were equally undesirable. But as I faced them squarely, without wishing them away, I sensed a deepening of that small wellspring of joy inside, and each of them seemed to loosen its hold just a little.

It does seem a bit counter-intuitive that I found joy in focusing on the negative aspects of myself. But it was oddly liberating and somehow brought me increased light, joy, and peace. And since then, I've continued. And I can tell that my patience with myself and others has deepened once again. So now it seems I have an odd, new pastime – to focus on the negative inside of me. And to enjoy observing it deeply and dispassionately, without judgment or aversion.

I think that maybe that’s what Osho was encouraging when he spoke about loneliness. Yes, we are alone. Deeply alone. No one and nothing can ever truly touch us. As Joseph Conrad so poignantly wrote, “We live, as we dream – alone …” And yet, as we move past the illusion of what we think we are, we may find that we are deeply connected to everyone and everything. And loneliness will be revealed as the ultimate illusion. I don’t know that that’s true, but it seems right.

So it looks like I’m on a new stage of my journey. I feel like the objective of my current spiritual practice is to bring a greater awareness into my life. Perhaps, as Osho suggested, this will help to bring about a unification of my many little selves into one, with that one, my true self, the unnameable essence of who I am, as the master. And from a deep place of authentic being, I believe I can more readily bring light to the world and encourage others to do the same. Not by anything I say. But just by being who I am.

Fat Women

I read an article last week that got me thinking about the way our society views women. It's a rather raw, uncensored view from a woman who experienced a change in the way men viewed and interacted with her as she went through a change in her body shape. It was really well-written, but the language and themes were a bit harsh. Given my style is seriously muted in comparison, I was tempted not to link to it, but that didn't seem fair, so ... here you go.

And for the rest of you, here's my sanitized summary of the article and my thoughts on it. The author had gotten a parasite in her intestinal tract. It took a week or two before a doctor finally diagnosed her problem correctly. After vomiting for several weeks, her previously well-rounded body withered and she became pretty skinny. It was interesting to read her description of the increased attention she received from men after her massive weight loss. Equally interesting was the reduced attention she saw many months later as she slowly rounded out again. She posted plenty of pictures of herself, both skinny and large. I didn't see her as fat, but there was definitely a strong contrast between the two sizes. To me, she looked beautiful in both forms.

The drop-off in attention she reported was a bit sad, but predictable. I tend to think that American men's preference for skinny women is not completely biological. I think it's largely psychological and cultural. And I think it's unfortunate. But I also thought it was sad the way the author seemed to think that her skinny figure was somehow less than ideal. She spoke of looking like a child and thinking it strange that men found that attractive. She used stronger language than that, but you get the idea.

I have noticed a trend of women fighting back against society's emphasis on the ideal, thin figure of a woman. And I think that's mostly a healthy thing. But I think, in their rebellion, some women, thinking to have freed themselves, have continued their enslavement to the culture by allowing it to continue to dictate to them the battle lines. They may have switched sides, but they're still perpetuating the war. It's thin vs. fat. And if you disagree with society's fixation on skinny women, then you take the side of the fat women. But mocking the thin form won't help us win the war.

My wife, Emily, was an extremely skinny teenager. When we married, she was still incredibly thin. I was attracted to her, but even at that time, I remember thinking it wouldn't be a terrible thing for her to add a little weight. Since then, she and I have both gone through some weight fluctuations. After marriage, I gained about 60 pounds and later took most of it off. That's an interesting story too, but I'm focused on women's shapes here, so I'll summarize my experience by saying that Emily loved me when I was thin and she loved me when I got a little fatter. And that steadiness of support was really wonderful.

Emily has gone through some weight fluctuations too, but a little less drastic than mine. And those changes have been challenging for her psychologically. But the way her body has fleshed out in recent years makes her, in my view, incredibly beautiful. She was beautiful when she was thin. And she is beautiful now that she has more curves. She has a desire to lose a little weight. She's not too fat, in my opinion, but losing a few pounds would probably be a healthy thing to do. And I support her in that. She has made a little progress in the last few weeks and, as she succeeds, I will miss the extra curves a little. But she'll be beautiful in her new form too.

Thin vs. fat. This war, one of many, seems to be quietly raging in our society. But maybe the war is just stupid. And maybe the only way to win the war is not to fight it. Instead of fighting with each other over which modality is preferable, maybe we can change the way we see women on a fundamental level. Maybe we can begin to see them as just ... women. Just beautiful. And maybe, if we can do that, we can begin to raise our young women to be confident and happy in their skin. No matter what body shape they may have. Thinking of my own daughters, that seems like a really cool gift to give to our beautiful young girls.