Becoming One

Almost a year ago, I wrote about a spiritual transition I went through recently. In that post, I described some of my spiritual experiences that had led me to that transition. I have wanted to write more about those experiences, but it has been difficult for two reasons:

1. Life has been very busy, like always.
2. Describing these experiences with words is very challenging.

Both of those reasons still hold, but I had some experiences recently that I've taken the time to capture and would like to share.

A few weeks ago, I found a teacher who has given me something to consider … or maybe reconsider. His name is Osho and he was an Indian teacher who spoke in the vein of various eastern spiritual traditions. I came across him in the context of Taoism. One of the things he said really struck me. He said that each of us is a multitude of personalities, more like a crowd than an authentic individual. And at any given time, we are liable to have one of those aspects of ourselves assert itself, and a part of us that should be our servant temporarily becomes our master. It occurred to me that this state might be said to be the essence of unconsciousness as spoken of in eastern spiritual traditions. I think many of us live unconsciously like this for most of our lives.

Osho

In this same address, Osho spoke of our deep-seated loneliness. This is an aspect of life that I’ve become pretty familiar with, but it was strange to hear a teacher of eastern philosophy speak about it like he did. As I thought about what he said, I focused my attention on my own loneliness and realized that it is a part of me that, sometimes hidden deeply, occasionally drives me to unhealthy thought patterns and behaviors. But as I focused on it, without wishing it away or judging it as undesirable, I experienced a slight welling up of joy from somewhere deep inside.

That seems kind of weird, right? Finding joy in loneliness? But oddly enough, I didn't find it as surprising as I would have a few years ago. In fact, this experience seemed very familiar to me. It felt much like some of the experiences I had shortly after I began meditating. At that time, it felt like a whole new world was opening up to me. A world that prior spiritual experiences had hinted at and given me glimpses of. But through meditation, I was stepping into it more fully than I had ever done before. And through this more recent experience a few weeks ago, I came to see that I have been missing something lately. In recent months, I have allowed the stresses of life to lull me back into a state of unconsciousness. The awakening I experienced a couple of years ago was fantastic and I think I am better off now than I was before I began this journey. But I have certainly lost something compared to what I had shortly after I began meditating.

So, encouraged by the result of giving attention to my loneliness, I continued to examine it. I dredged it up. I watched it unfold and blossom inside of me. I watched it with no aversion and no judgment. I just observed. And by piercing the cloud inside with what I have sometimes heard described as “the light of my awareness,” I found the loneliness became a bit less menacing, a bit more familiar, and a bit less powerful. It was almost like I was looking at an illusion and, powered by my attention, the illusion could no longer hold its form and began to dissolve.

I then spent time doing this with other emotions. Fear. Anxiety. Insecurity. Shame. Regret. Anger. All of these have some place in me and each dredged up memories that were uncomfortable and imagined situations that were equally undesirable. But as I faced them squarely, without wishing them away, I sensed a deepening of that small wellspring of joy inside, and each of them seemed to loosen its hold just a little.

It does seem a bit counter-intuitive that I found joy in focusing on the negative aspects of myself. But it was oddly liberating and somehow brought me increased light, joy, and peace. And since then, I've continued. And I can tell that my patience with myself and others has deepened once again. So now it seems I have an odd, new pastime – to focus on the negative inside of me. And to enjoy observing it deeply and dispassionately, without judgment or aversion.

I think that maybe that’s what Osho was encouraging when he spoke about loneliness. Yes, we are alone. Deeply alone. No one and nothing can ever truly touch us. As Joseph Conrad so poignantly wrote, “We live, as we dream – alone …” And yet, as we move past the illusion of what we think we are, we may find that we are deeply connected to everyone and everything. And loneliness will be revealed as the ultimate illusion. I don’t know that that’s true, but it seems right.

So it looks like I’m on a new stage of my journey. I feel like the objective of my current spiritual practice is to bring a greater awareness into my life. Perhaps, as Osho suggested, this will help to bring about a unification of my many little selves into one, with that one, my true self, the unnameable essence of who I am, as the master. And from a deep place of authentic being, I believe I can more readily bring light to the world and encourage others to do the same. Not by anything I say. But just by being who I am.